If you've been waiting for something from me, *now* I can get to it.
Just as soon as my holiday weekend visitors (who arrive tomorrow morning) leave on Monday. Now I must go to the grocery store, clean my bathroom and kitchen, make a peach pie, and write my BlogHer post.
Unemployment Update: I had a job interview today; I think it went well.
Battle for the Bedroom? How have I thrown away three garbage bags worth of paper and my room still looks like this???
Besides the shoot last weekend, all I've been doing is sending resumes and pulling crap out of closets. Feel the, uh... progress...
The terrifying progress.
It may be time to part with my tax returns from the 80s and 90s. But I've already put my cassette tapes back in the closet.
The most important thing in my life is work for pay. You might think it's directing, or love, and certainly both of those things are paramount to me. But occasionally, when I am unemployed, I am reminded of my personal reality - that when I am not gainfully employed a degree of inescapable misery is introduced into my life. I feel that I am failing to do that which is most important.
For two years in film school I lived on student loans and credit cards. I worked my ass off. And part of me was wholly miserable that I wasn't "really" working because I wasn't gainfully employed. I felt... unsecured. Uncomfortable. I did it anyway.
I've worked since I was 16. Early on it was made clear to me that I damn well better be able to take care of myself early on. And so I did.
All while pushing to do things in life that have a small window of opportunity. Traveling after high school, joining a sorority, going to grad school. I made those things happen for myself. And I arrived in L.A. with the massive debt load it took to have those things and to get here.
Those choices meant that I couldn't take a low or no-pay job in production or development, but I found my way into post production and have continued to push to make it work for me. I have found opportunities and been grateful for each one. I have worked the advantages of my situation, and yes, there are many, not the least of which was little overtime and meeting many wonderful post production people.
I became an executive assistant because it meant I could work in any industry. Transferable skills (hopefully) mean you're never out on the street. I don't like taking money from the government. Even if I've paid taxes for twenty-some years. I don't like being unemployed. Even if I'm still working my ass off.
My other work counts for so, so much for me personally. I do all of it - all of it - with the aim to become a working director. But without a paycheck, all this work doesn't count as gainful employment. And gainful employment matters to me. It means I'm taking care of myself.
If this seems noble to you, well, thank you, but I've come to see this as my fatal flaw in Hollywood. People make it out here so often because their parents help them, a spouse helps them. They have some sort of financial support or advantage. They have the ability to float and take opportunities without having to wait for the vacation time. I went to a panel once where someone said that if you don't have family or spousal support, you're never going to make it. At this point, letting someone help me like that just makes me uncomfortable. This issue of mine is something I'm working on. And certainly I have been blessed with some support along the way, for which I am quite grateful.
But when I am unemployed, I freak out. These past two weeks, I've sent resumes to a variety of executive assistant positions in multiple industries, all the while freaking out about my loss of accrued vacation time and having to start over in a new day job. Of course, there's also the sadness of missing people I admired and enjoyed working with. None of which is to say I feel resentful about necessary business decisions, because I don't at all.
I just feel unemployed.
And I don't like it.
But.
I need to be a little smarter, I think. I need to push some of this emotional bullshit aside and make smart choices. I use this blog to help me lay it out for myself, so here it is:
Of course, if you need a director, I am more than up to the task. Unfortunately, I'm waiting for various projects to complete before I will have a new reel that feature my recent webisode work. ETA on my new reel is August.
I'm also on the prowl for an ASAP director shadowing opportunity in a traditional multi-camera sitcom. Please email me if you have any connections in this direction.
Meanwhile, I'll still be here, working my ass off.
Hopefully, eventually, for pay.
~
Blogging Note: I replied to a bunch of comments via email the other day and Typepad ate my replies. I'm going to go put them into the blog manually today.
Call it "lay-off cleaning."
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