A Season for a Reason; Learning from Relationships Lost.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

I once had a friend tell me that a friend told her, "Someone comes into your life for a season for a reason." Meaning, when a relationship doesn't last, it was probably there to teach you something or help you work through something or sometimes, heal though a hurt.

Well, I'd believed just that ever since I read, Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma after I'd called off my wedding years before. I liked, however, the addition of the concept of a relationship "season" (and the nifty rhyming saying of it, of course).

Relationship seasons, unlike calendar seasons, come in many sizes. One month, three months, ten months, a year, multiple years. Sometimes even a single date.

This concept, however, has given me a slight superstition that goes with it. When I see myself working through a learning curve due to a relationship dynamic, I begin to wonder if I'm in yet another relationship that will come to end as a lesson is learned. I have faith, however, that eventually one will stick.

My relationship with the Hunky Actor didn't stick. It did at times, however, challenge me to work through some of my relationship fears. To date someone with a opposite schedule who was also completely trustworthy pushed me to let go of some pretty heavy baggage. It's difficult to realize that *anyone* could cheat on you without your knowing, so you do your best to pick a good one, and then you trust, leaning on respect and communication. This time, I think I've made a huge, hopefully permanent step in that direction.

I've also been struggling with wondering if I stay in relationships too long, when maybe I should know better and get out sooner. I've realized, in this past week, however, that all I am truly guilty of is giving relationships a few too many months. I haven't been fooling myself. I just stay a little too long, sometimes because I'm giving the benefit of the doubt or being patient when I think it's worth it, or in some cases, staying to have a little more relationship fun before I'm single again.

Now that I see this clearly, I don't intend to change this about myself. I was talking to a friend recently about how you have to be giving and loving and open yourself up again and again and again, no matter what the emotional cost when you get hurt, because otherwise you risk not opening yourself up and missing out when you do meet someone who could be the one. Well, I think that my few extra months are like that. Maybe I'm not hard enough, but I don't want to be.

My relationship timer just seems set a few months slower than maybe it should be, and I'm going to leave it that way. Because when I do meet my one, if he needs a few extra months to transition into a serious, long-term relationship, or if I do, that's OK with me. And when it doesn't work out, I'm not begrudging the extra months spent when the ultimate payout is worth so very, very much.

So yes, I'm single again. Sad and disappointed, but feeling healthy and confident. And really, what more can one ask?

~

Related reading:

The Valentine's Day That Wasn't A Reminder I'm a Spinster - A season for a reason and a spinster reference - Someone tell Toma we're reclaiming that word. Anyway, this is a great post about a Valentine's Day spent with a good friend.

A reason, a season, or a lifetime - This is an interesting take on these ideas. Hey, ether, I'm ready for the lifetime option any time now!

'Tis The Season? - My breakup may have occurred in the Bermuda Triangle of relationship seasons. Well, it has happened to me two years in a row now right in that window. Third time's the charm? Here's hoping.