This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.
Father of the Bride came out in 1991, and I have to say that it's probably around that time that my wedding phobia began. Because while it's a movie and it's certainly exaggerated, it did represent a way of life that many of my soon-to-be-married-off, South Florida friends had. And I did not.
When I got engaged, I actually thought to myself, at least I can get this hell over with. I wanted things my friends had, I wanted to fake like my family was like theirs, and if it took tears and groveling, so be it.
In the end, the sheer weight of the dysfunction coming from all sides finally woke me up and sent me on a path that went all the way to Los Angeles. Where I am still someone with no money for a wedding. Only now even more so, because I used the money that the tears got me the first time to help get me this far in life.
So a lot of my wedding phobia has to do with money. I feel embarrassed and stressed out that my boyfriend might someday want a wedding that I can't afford my half of. So deep is my dismay that it almost kept me from dating at all so that I would never have to deal with it. Whenever I'm single, I'm actually relieved of the stress of it, and it was always part of my thought process about whether or not I really wanted to be dating.
"Hey, can we just elope? 'Cause BTW I don't have any money for a wedding," is not really first date conversation.
Ironically, the ceremony is really important to me. I do want to get married with my important people around me to witness. I think public vows, and the support and blessings of a community, are really, really important.
But the wedding price tag is absurd. And you simply can't have what's perceived as a standard wedding for like $5,000 - which is already a lot of money! It doesn't make sense to me - Surely I could throw a party for $5,000, so why not a wedding? Not that I even have $5,000 without the help of Citibank.
Maybe I would feel different if I had money; I don't know. I know the thought of dealing with people being aghast at my inexpensive wedding makes me sick to my stomach.
But it's other stuff, too. I know from the first time that it's like suddenly being dropped in patriarchyland where I'm supposed to have been dreaming since I was five about wedding planning hell like it's snow cones and candy canes. Where women attend wedding fairs and do 95% of the wedding work like I've been just dying for a career in event planning and have nothing else to spend my time on. Where anyone is going to actually think I would change my name or get married in a church.
I think I'm giving myself hives.
Look, I know and I have told myself that you have to cross these bridges when you come to them. I read Offbeat Bride, and I know that there are a million ways to have a fun, alternative wedding without going completely crazy. That you face the inevitable wedding stresses together and do the best you can. When it comes down to it, me and mine will figure it out. I know it's ridiculous to be stressing out about it for years and years when it's not even an issue - And believe me, this is a phobia I carry with me, and have for a very long time.
I truly believe that some (just some) people who say they "don't need/want to get married," are partially saying that because they can't afford a wedding. Heck, I was practically ready to not date because I can't afford a wedding. Which is really sucky.
But I know I have to have faith in love and believe that what a wedding really is about will happen for me. Somehow.
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The Blogosphere Writes:
Weddings in Kenya - Personal observations on weddings in Kenya from Jamie Ya Kenya.
Why Can't We Dress Like This? - Totally cute post about dressing kids for a wedding from Raising Five.
Here Comes the Bride: Part II - Dude, her blog is called Vodka & Fairybread, which rocks, as does this post about wedding phobia.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
