Embracing Expectations in Your Relationships

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Expectations scare the crap out of me. If I have expectations of people, they can let me down and I'll get hurt. If I allow other people to have expectations of me, then I might let them down and they'll get hurt. It's really a lot easier to avoid expecting anything from anyone and to discourage anyone from having expectations of me.

Except, of course, for those moments when I look around and realize that I've let next to no one truly in. I'm a risk taker in so many ways, but I've been playing "safe" with my heart for years now, despite my best intentions to do otherwise.

Oh, sure, it *looks* like I'm putting it out there. It *looks* like I'm getting hurt, and indeed, there's been some hurt. But I haven't really let anyone fully in since I moved to L.A. - I haven't dated anyone who would even give me the opportunity, and when I should have seen that, more than once, I pretended I didn't.

I've held no one up to a level of expectation I hold myself.

And I've come nowhere near the true love I wish for on every star, at every fountain, with every Chinese fortune stick. Are you thinking about how you shouldn't tell a wish?

Are you thinking that we shouldn't have expectations in our relationships because when we expect things we are disappointed?

Bullshit.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, and I'm sick of it.

Now look, there are people who have unrealistic expectations in their relationships and there are people who never give without expecting tit for tat; that's not what I'm talking about. I've got the opposite problem.

In my last relationship, I basically expected one or two short dates a week and a phone call most days. No wonder I was freaking out over that damn phone call! It was all there was.

Meanwhile, I always think, if I just give more, if I am loving and caring and generous of spirit, then it will eventually be reciprocated. But it doesn't work that way without some level of expectations.

In the past, when I've tried to stand up for my most reasonable needs, I've hit resistance from people I was dating. I bought the line about how you shouldn't have expectations, but that's ridiculous! I've spent so much time trying to be cool about things I had no business being cool about.

True love brings with it expectations. My heart, my pride - is so very fragile. I should expect the love in my life to cherish it, to respect it, to want it, to treat it kindly. To be as generous and thoughtful and giving as I am. To love me the way I love.

I mentioned pride because there's a release of pride, a loss of cool, in admitting that you care about something. That something hurt you. Is there anything more vulnerable that admitting that you care and that you hurt? That you had an expectation?

Is there anything more terrifying?

Perhaps only the alternative - that you never allow expectations into your life and you never open your heart to true love.

~

The blogosphere speaks:

The Diva Muse is In a Relationship.

Jennifer has Advice: “Mind Your Mama” on www.nwamotherlode.com (nwa = North West Arkansas)

Erin from Unclutterer has tips for What to do if you are organized and your partner isn’t.

From Jezebel, If You Always Like The Emotionally Unavailable, It's Because You Probably Are, Too.

And finally, I just loved this post from Resist Rant Relax, A Summer Courtship, about his fiancée's developing relationship with his daughter. He writes about singing this song (it's actually Daisy Bell) while biking with them, and really, it's all about the expectations that really matter:

Maisy, Maisy, give me your answer do.

I’m half-crazy over the love of you. 

It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. 

But you’d look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.

Comments

[Scot]

Expectations - so true!
Thanks for writing such a timely post Liz.

[Liz]

Thanks, Scot. I guess we're doing OK if we just keep learning!

[O.]

Thank you so much for including my post here. And I do agree that no expectations in a relationship is truly the extreme of having unrealistic expectations. There has to be a middle ground where you and your significant other can meet on a level of mutual understanding. Both parties should be on the same page, then opening up should not be so scary.

[Amy]

Well said! I truly believe that we all deserve to be treated as well as we treat others, and that's even more true in a relationship. When you find that special someone and he finds you, you won't be agonizing over the lack of a phone call because he will be willing to understand what level of communication you need/want/expect and keep in touch. Not at a crazy level, but you catch my drift. And even better... he will WANT to talk to you. More than anyone else. It's out there and it happens. The journey to it may be long, but it's worthwhile!

[Baketown]

Now that I've actually found my true love I see how messed up all the relationships I tried to have before really were. When you're with THE ONE those expectations feel more like opportunities. Hang in there lady. Dating sucks butt - especially in LA.

[Liz]

O. - Loved your post! And ah, the middle ground. Seems like I'm always swinging a pendulum, but I'm gonna aim for the middle this time!

Amy - I've got my fingers crossed that you speak the truth. ;)

Baketown - Expectations = Opportunities. Love that, seriously. Because when you're both being giving and respectful to each other, it doesn't get much better than that!

[Tilly]

Wow, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just stumble on a post that just gets it right.

Expectations were/are the end of me! I wish I could be brave enough to be comfortable with them.

[Liz]

Tilly - Thank you! It's definitely my next relationship journey, accepting that it's OK to have *some* expectations and figuring out how that works.