Relationship Resolutions

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

The good side of any breakup is the opportunity to learn (hopefully!) from the experience and to look forward to the next one. Yup, I've done it before and I'm doing it again.

It feels different this time. I feel like I've honestly turned a corner, had an emotional breakthrough. I guess time will tell, but I've had a few pretty potent signs. I'm going to keep them to myself for now, but I will tell you that I've been feeling the most amazing feelings lately. I feel calm, I feel at peace, and - dare I say it - I think this is what it feels like to be... happy.

I keep waiting for it to wear off, but it seems to have moved in to stay. So I'm going to aim to make happiness feel at home in my soul.

I've been stumbling along this particular relationship path for a good six years now. So this list of resolutions is certainly not all inclusive and represents some of the things I'm focusing on going forward from this entire period.

1. It's about damn time to start listening to my heart again. I'm not sure what happened, but when I look back in my life in Los Angeles, I see that I've simply not been listening. I've been ignoring my heart, misunderstanding my heart, running from my heart, denying my heart. You can't always get what you want, but I'm done shutting my heart out. So resolution number one is, I start really listening to my heart from now on, right now. Even when that's difficult and even when it's scary and even if it means I'm alone for a while.
2. I'm going to focus on people who are as generous and giving as I am within a relationship. And I'm not talking about money. I mean with emotions and thoughts and the little things that show you all the time that your partner is thinking about you and loves you.
3. I'm going to focus on people who are as fun-loving as me. I work hard, it's true - but that's why I love to have fun, get drunk, laugh, play games, and party when it's time for that. And I'm a more the merrier person more often than not. I want to be with someone who easily mixes their lover with their friends. *And* who likes to have fun times one on one, too.
4. I'm going to be honest with myself about my sexual needs. Simply, I love sex, I think sex has a spiritual component and a fun component, and I need to be with someone who loves sex the same way.
5. I'm going to be more open to differences in my partner. I've been very focused on dating someone who's really, really a lot like me, but I'm getting a sense that my better partner might be a more complementary fit in some ways. Or simply different in surprising ways, and that's OK. Interesting even.
6. OK, I mean it this time - No more Capricorns! I mean, No More Smokers! You know, I just really care about my health, and someone who smokes simply doesn't care in the same way. I always think, my directing career might not even start until I'm 50 - I need to be healthy! I need to be able to start a career in ten plus years. We all have bad habits, but at this point my partner smoking is just not OK with me.
7. I'm making a commitment to myself to get enough sleep. This may seem a strange place for this resolution, and I may even seem like I'm becoming obsessed, but it occurs to me that some of my most questionable relationship decisions have occurred when I wasn't getting enough sleep. Surely, there's times to burn the midnight oil and get a little tired (see item 4), but over all and over time, I think making sure I'm as well-rested as possible can only be a good thing for me and my partner.

So how about you? Is it a good time to think about some new relationship resolutions? The year's half-way done, maybe a mid-year check in?

Share 'em if you've got 'em.

~

The Blogosphere Speaks:

Mrs. Twink blogs at My So-Called Wedded Life, and she too makes Relationship Resolutions... for her Mr.

Dr. Laura Berman has a great list on Yahoo Health: Relationship Resolutions You Must Make in '08.

From Alison on She Said... Here's a succinct list of interesting Relationship Resolutions.

Comments

[Lessa]

I like your resolutions, Liz. For myself, with a busy career, a toddler and another baby on the way, my resolutions are more along the lines of being present in the relationship and not taking my husband for granted.

It's easy to plead exhaustion when you've got kids. And sure, the first 3-6 months after a baby comes, that exhaustion is justified. But, at a certain point, you just have to suck it up and start making the effort.

Our radical approach to marriage is that sure, we love our kids and want to be there for them, but ultimately, they're going to leave for a larger world. If we don't have a stable and solid relationship, we're not going to be able to handle the ups and downs that kids bring and we're certainly going to be adrift once they leave home. So, our relationship takes a priority. And we think our kids will actually be better off for that seemingly selfish rationale.

Good luck with your resolutions. I hope that you're able to keep them. The hardest one may be not dating a smoker. So many social smokers in the LA world...

[jessica]

I like your resolutions!

My resolution is to take my new guy at face value, because I do believe he's a good person. I'm not going to assign traits or characteristics or behaviors to him based on my past relationships, my own fears and insecurities, etc. I'm going to ENJOY this, whatever it is.

And I'm going to stop being afraid of getting hurt. I"ve lived through worse. I refuse to let my own fear keep me from experiencing what could be happening here (because I think it's really, really good).

[Dating Trooper]

Great insights. Isn't it amazing how hard it is to be true to your own heart (yet so willingly give up for others)?

I hope this feeling of calm contentment stays with you forever. Spread a little this way, will ya?

Congrats.

[Liz]

Lessa - I don't think that's "radical" these days, and so important. And yeah, L.A. smokers. Sigh.

Jessica - Those are *great* resolutions! I'm cheering for ya.

Dating Trooper - Seriously, here's hoping contentment is quite contagious. :)

[rise]

Thanks for sharing your resolutions! I agree that when a relationship ends it’s the perfect time to learn what worked and what didn't and make changes so the next relationship is better. In the past I have felt so hurt from the breakup I don't want to deal with the process of figuring out what I was supposed to learn. One huge lesson from my last two relationships was I don't ask for what I want. I go with the flow and in some cases I avoid the difficult conversations about commitment and boundaries because I don't want to be a pushy woman. Well, if I can't stand up for myself who will? I am taking a new approach to be honest about what I want, and only go for what I want.

~Rise http://freshoffense.blogspot.com/

[Liz]

Rise - That is such a great challenge to work on within a relationship! Good for you.