This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.
I gotta tell ya, my sexual peak has pretty much been a bust. It's not that it hasn't happened - Oh, no, it's here, baby. It's that I moved to Los Angeles when I was 30, I've been single more than I've been coupled, and I've had exactly no luck finding someone to spend my life with.
I'm a monogamous relationship lover. I'm just not going to have amazing, mind-blowing sex when love isn't there. And here I am, single again. Most of my thirties have felt like one long, frustrating dry spell. It sucks.
I started having sex when I was 16. Serial Monogamy Queen. Now I look back to my teens and 20s and think, Thank goodness I had tons of sex when I could! I didn't have the drive I have now, but at least there was lots of great sex in those years.
At least I have the memories.
And a new Pearl Drop Vibe I finally managed to get open. (Suzanne, you just pull it apart really really hard and it pops open.)
Sigh. Masturbation is such a sad substitute for the real thing. The Pearl Drop Vibe would be much more fun to play with with a partner. At least its adoption into my nightstand means I can throw away my current small vibe which I've nicknamed The Battery Monster because it kills a double A every time I use it.
I've given my ongoing sexual situation a lot of thought in the last 6 years. I've considered if it would be possible to find a monogamous sex partner in L.A. - That is, someone who isn't the one, but you only have sex with each other, while you're dating openly. Friends with benefits. I had that once before, a million years ago, but I felt like he was becoming too attached no matter how clear my communication and his protestations otherwise, so I ended it. Other times, I was the one who wanted more, so I couldn't agree to the arrangement.
And honestly, because of happenings in my L.A. years since, I don't think I could trust anyone like that anymore, because I did open my heart to him and care about him, of course. I couldn't have it any other way.
I've considered embracing casual sex. Even to the point of walking completely away from hoping to find a life partner. My life is fulfilling and driven in so many ways; maybe I could just compartmentalize my happiness. Find sexual pleasure one place or places and find love in my friends and my artistic passions.
I've never really had completely casual sex. Try as I may to wrap my head and my heart around it, the thought of it is basically the equivalent of a cold shower. Which pretty much kills that idea.
So there's really no solution. I feel compelled to honor my heart right now, no matter how frikkin' frustrated it leaves me. No matter how much it makes my heart ache.
I think I've just figured out why I hate the word "abstinence." Because it totally SUCKS.
~
The Blogosphere Speaks:
How to deal with sexual frustration - a girl's solution. - Milwaukee Girl from Single in the City shares her process.
The single life is good - Freak from The Big Whinger learns that single and sexually frustrated is better than being with the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Clearly.
Nifzeta Chizala from The Voice in my Head blogs on July 14th, 2008 about being really into someone and not knowing what the deal is and not being able to make a move or understand (admit?) why he doesn't.
I liked this post. I responded to it, not that you asked, at the BlogHer site, saying the sex is easy, it's the relationship that's hard. What I didn't say is, Stiff upper lip (no pun intended) ease off on the physical, get the emotional and everything else, get married (seriously) and have sex forever.
Right. I live in Disneyland.
Posted by: therapydoc | July 22, 2008 at 06:36 PM
Hi therapydoc! Rest assured, if I can do it in that order before I implode from sexual frustration, I absolutely will. ;)
Posted by: Liz | July 22, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Have you tried OKCupid? I've heard of people having luck there.
Posted by: Becky | July 23, 2008 at 10:03 AM
After every one of my relationships end I buy a new vibrator. I have a LOT of them at this point. My newest is on my bedside table in a glass antique bowl that belonged to my ex-boyfriend's great-grandmother. I find extra pleasure in keeping it there. Pun very much intended.
Vibe on girly!
Posted by: Sarah | July 23, 2008 at 11:47 AM
So I wandered over here from Not A Girl, Not Yet a Wino's site. I would add that this is not a gender specific affliction, gender biased certainly, but not specific. I wish you the best of luck in meeting that certain someone for luck is surely and sadly what it takes.
Posted by: restaurantrefugee | July 23, 2008 at 07:39 PM
Becky - I have tried OKCupid! It is a fun site.
Sarah - ROTFLMAO That's an awesome breakup present. :)
restaurantrefugee - Yes, I'm sure many men struggle with this, too. And thank you for the wishes of luck - I'll take all the luck I can get!
Posted by: Liz | July 24, 2008 at 08:25 AM
I'm 27 and single and dealing with many of the same dilemmas... I don't really have any answers, but I can tell you I take great pleasure in searching for "the one"...
...one lay at a time ;)
Posted by: Katie | July 24, 2008 at 08:02 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one who had a hell of a time getting that Pearl Drop open. I had to resort to *reading the box* and struggled with it. I need to work on my arm strength, apparently.
Posted by: Genie | July 24, 2008 at 09:21 PM
You need to honour your heart, definitely! I was desperate ( for sex, but also the companionship etc. ), 39yrs old and single and wanted to go the casual sex route. Then, before I could go that route, I met my wonderful husband, on the internet!
I can just say that you shouldn't do something that you feel deep inside that you shouldn't...
Posted by: eilandkind | July 25, 2008 at 06:57 AM
Katie - LOL Glad you are having fun and living life!
Genie - OMG, the fact that none of us could open that thing is hysterical.
eilandkind - I agree so much. For now, I'm holding off. :)
Posted by: Liz | July 25, 2008 at 08:12 AM
A Democrat only since 2007? In LA? Well, there's your answer! :)
Posted by: Michael | July 25, 2008 at 08:49 AM
I just completed an eight month run of celibacy. And there are few things less fun. Dental work, MAYBE. Hang in there. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I think love can be found. Even in LA.
Posted by: liz | July 25, 2008 at 01:52 PM
In August, I will "celebrate" 5 years of no. freaking. sex. I can' wait to finally indulge again. But, like you, it's not good for me if there's no l-u-v. Crap! And running in the same social circles in the same smallish city for 12 years kind of limits the dating options (you either dated someone, know someone who has, or have seen them out and about enough to know that it's not a good idea). Frustration commiserated with, sister.
Posted by: keri | July 26, 2008 at 08:59 AM
Guys have this problem too! When I wasn't attached to someone, you want it so bad that you'll do really stupid things to get it. I also agree with Kris- "I'm not a girl, yet not a Wino" comment that casual sex leaves you empty. Without caring or feeling Sex is just an Act, not much different then an exercise. Does it get you off? Yes. Will it leave you feeling sated and complete? No. I would worry if someone thought it did- part of them has died inside.
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.- Men persue Woman after Woman, lying, saying anything to get them but even when they do, they lose the Exitement of the hunt,feel Empty and keep looking, even pertending to be Happy with the Woman they worked so hard to bed.
I don't have any Universal answers, only the one(s) that have worked for me. Your "Dry Spell" will come to an end when you find a man that you want to have as a friend who wants to open up to you. Then, the Real Fun Begins!
Posted by: wildbillthePirate | July 26, 2008 at 07:44 PM
Followed Kris's link over here...
If not in a loved-up sexual relationship, I tend to go back to one of the guys that I USED to have a romantic relationship with and we can both get our fix if neither one of us is with anyone else. I guess it's not really casual sex that way, right? (I rationalize.)
Posted by: Rebekah | July 27, 2008 at 07:37 AM
Keri - OMG, I think it may be time to move to the big city. ;)
WillBill - Absolutely, many men are in the same boat. I've definitely dated a lot of guys who aren't looking for casual sex, and I imagine we're all frustrated! (Talk about having something in common - lol)
Rebekah - I've done that in the past, too, but I'm lacking even that situation here in the La La. Just not interested in opening any of those doors.
Posted by: Liz | July 28, 2008 at 08:24 AM
so happy to know I am not alone in my suffering.
Posted by: debbie | July 30, 2008 at 11:12 AM
I realized I skipped a couple of comments because Liz is named Liz!
Michael - My most favorite comment ever! LOL If it's any help, I was non-party affiliated before.
Liz who is not me - I've gone longer than 8 months, and yeah, I'll take a root canal anyday! I'm a romantic, too, and I definitely have faith. :)
Debbie - Definitely not alone! Many women and men are with us in our suffering. Not that that makes me any less frustrated. LOL
Posted by: Liz | July 31, 2008 at 06:13 PM
Just want to let you know I found this blog from this entry. I was Googling how to open the pearl drop as I can't seem to figure it out. I feel like I'm going to break it by just pulling it apart. Oh dear...
Posted by: Rina | November 12, 2008 at 01:54 PM
I stumbled across your website looking for information/reviews on Pearl Drop for my beloved. What an engaging blog entry. I really do hope you find the man of your dreams! D. and I have been married 30 years this month, and the sex just keeps getting better. I would never have believed it. Maybe it's because (and this is going to sound SO corny) the love just keeps getting deeper. There is something about spending your life with someone who is committed to loving you during and in spite of all the crazy things that happen along the way.
Posted by: Mark | June 11, 2010 at 12:03 PM
Hi Mark - Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your comment! I'm so glad you've found someone wonderful to share your life with, that's awesome! :)
Posted by: lizriz | June 13, 2010 at 10:02 AM
LA is a really tough town for love. I've been divorced 6 years, and if i consider the more 'serious" boyfriends I have had during that time, they were actually commitment phobes in disguise- except the two that disguised themselves as people of integrity, but they were actually opportunists in disguise.
However, what the last five years showed me is that "The Stranger" is the best tool ever. It's from The Booty Parlor. I also saw that they had them at hustler under a more generic name.
here's a link to a vid on sex toys. It is not much of a looker, but you don't even need to move this thing, orgasms come flooding in, and you'll be in heaven for hours. Having such a strong vibe, you may even find yourself more aloof when it comes to men- your sexy energy is apparent, but you know you don't need to drag a man home to have sex. You can just tell them that you have a date with "the stranger"...
All of that said, it was when i stopped looking for love that I began having the best sex I've had in years with one partner- free of relationship drama, and we are good friends. Because we had projects in the works together, decided to not do the "crazy in love" thing, but rather, just respect and enjoy what we have. It's quite beautiful to be eased into "love", rather than thrown into "in love", Maybe it's the new thing for people over 35, or who have already had children- just to go with the flow, without the pressure of wondering if he or she is "the one" because likely they are already number two or three or four...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke12DOCKkfg
Posted by: LSA | August 04, 2010 at 09:42 PM