Sometimes the person you're not into is a really great person.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Let me tell you some things about my ex-fiance. He was funny, and he made me laugh. We cooked dinner together. He was reliable and loyal and never would have cheated on me in a million years. We lit Hanukkah candles together, and we had Passover at his grandma's Miami apartment. We enjoyed playing Taboo and having dinner with our friends. We walked together after work. I cared about him very much.

We weren't a good match, we had serious problems, I called off our wedding, and none of this belies the fact that he's a great guy. Who now has a sweet wife and two children and is hopefully leading a happy, fulfilling life.

Sometimes, the person you're not into is a really great person who you care about and really like.

Sometimes, simply knowing how much someone cares about you can be terrifying when you don't feel the same.

Not to diminish the hurt involved when you're the one not getting who you want (because, Hello: Welcome to Sucksville), but the other side is tough, too. In some ways it's harder and more confusing. Hey, I've been there.

When I called off my wedding, I thought, Who am I to walk away from this great person who loves me and wants to marry me? Do I actually think I'm going to find that twice in life? Am I actually going to hurt someone who's so great and who I care about like this?

It was really, really difficult, and I felt like human crap. But I knew that the marriage was wrong. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be with him. And somehow, I found the strength, and I ended it.

Now, that's calling off a wedding. Very dramatic.

But I think, too, about the first month that the Hunky Actor and I were together. As a couple, Wow, do we look great on paper. But we failed on (many small and) one huge count: We didn't bring out the best in each other. I realized after it was over that we had a negative effect on each other, no matter how great we are separately.

That's just not gonna work.

Leaving one of us - him - the suck of breaking up with someone awesome (- me!).

I guess maybe it seems like a silly point to say that there are tons and tons of great people out in the world, and you're inevitably going to connect with at least one who's into you and you aren't into them. But when I was in the trenches of calling off my wedding, that was a really important thought that I came to after quite a bit of angst. I had to sit myself down and say to myself, If there's really only one great person in this world, then this world is ridiculous, and I don't believe that. There's lot of great people. A lot a lot.

As for love? Personally, I've got faith that someday again, I will love someone and they will love me back.

When you're honest about your feelings, you free two parties up to find that. No matter the heartache involved, that's Full of Good.

~

Linky Goodness:

Sealed with a kiss!- from colomitalia on Stuck on Stupid Weblog, a question about when you're not feeling it after the first kiss.

Am I just not that into 'He's Just Not That Into You"? - from Andrea Pope on Confessions of an Occasional Dater, Hey, it happens.

Stupid girl, that’s me - from Mia on The Outlaw Safehouse, Seriously, what is with people who can't use their words?

Comments

[Lara]

I really needed this today...I'm bookmarking it so I can keep reading and re-reading as I work my way through my split w/my husband. Thank you, Liz!

[Laura]

Now that's strength of character: to understand yourself and what you need, and not to settle. Whether or not you and your needle find each other, you are surely happier with the possibilites than you ever would have been in a marriage to the wrong person.

[kristin]

There is a lot to be said for being able to be with someone and love them and yet know that it's a relationship that isn't going to end happily with a picket fence and some labradoodles in the front yard...

How are you Liz, I have been a slacky blog reader lately, but I look forward to catching up with you.

[Zandria]

"Sometimes, simply knowing how much someone cares about you can be terrifying when you don't feel the same."

This has been SOOOO on my mind lately, my friend. Not in the "I'm close to getting married to this person" kind of thing (far from it!), but the last few people I've gone on more than a few dates with from Match? They liked me a lot more than I liked them, so after a short time I just ended it altogether. I didn't think it was fair for them to like me so much more (and maybe want/expect certain physical things to happen the more that we continued to go out?), when I didn't feel the same way. Going through the same thing again right now, in fact.

[Liz]

Lara - I'm so glad it helped. I know that remembering how many great people there are in the world always helps me.

Laura - "Happier with the possibilities" - Love that. That's exactly how I've been feeling lately.

Kristin - I've been living the dream, growing, learning. Hoping to add "loving" to that list soon! Thanks for popping in; hope you are doing well. :)

Zandria - It's so inevitable and difficult when you're not into someone. It really can be more difficult in so many ways than when someone's not into you.

[Natalie]

I liked this one!

[lizriz]

Thank you! :)