Anxiety Sometimes Takes My Breath Away

The last few years I've suffered from occasional anxiety. It's mostly pesky, but I spoke to my doctor about it. Knowing I'd have to be dying before I'd take serious medication, he suggested St. John's Wart and vitamin B6, which I sometimes take like asperin for a headache. I've also changed my habits in terms of food, exercise, and sleep. All this has helped significantly.

More recently, I also noticed that I'd started to occasionally have trouble breathing. Again, pesky enough that I - convinced it was the onset of adult asthma due to L.A. smog - described it to my doctor. I said I felt like I was forgetting to breath, holding my breath and then having to concentrate and take deep breaths. I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen. 

I was completely floored when he said with confidence, "That's anxiety."

"But... but..." I was taken aback because never when this would happen was I feeling - to my mind - anxious. Anxiety, to me, is a sense of stress, a sense of slight panic in your chest.

I did have a firm knowledge of just *when* the breath thing was happening:

• In the car, driving along, thinking about stuff.
• In my office, sitting at my desk, thinking about stuff.

And somehow I knew almost immediately that he was right. Somehow this was another form of anxiety. Anxiety that I didn't even recognize as anxiety because it's happening way in the back of my mind/body or something. Totally weird.

Frankly, I was just really glad that I wasn't somehow developing asthma. It's better to have to stop and take a few deep breaths rather than feel, to my mind, actually anxious. Have at it, body. Works for me.

So this morning, I was sitting in my office on the last day of my six-month gig in the Awards Office at Sony. I started having trouble breathing, and then I started laughing, because I've got no idea if it's anxiety about my pending unemployment or if it's the completely evil cold that attacked me on Monday night. Maybe a little of both?

Either way, I'm going to be fine. Definitely looking forward to spending some time relaxing and getting organized this weekend, starting with dinner and movie at my apartment tonight, just me and my Netflix. Tonight I've got Baadasssss! (How to Get the Man's Foot Outta Your Ass), and tomorrow night I've got four episodes of Deep Space Nine (Season 1, Disk 2). Not to mention that there's new Caprica and Numb3rs tonight, hooray!

Comments

[Adam Burch]

Deep Space Nine didn't really pick up until the Dominion war and when Worf arrived. Deep breaths...

[AmyLouLa]

I hear you sistah. I do the same thing. My therapist even went so far as to give me breathing exercises to do every morning and evening. I don't know if you need to go that far, but it is a really good meditation for starting your day. Just sit for 5 minutes and do nothing my concentrate on taking deep breaths. Close your eyes, set a timer if you have to, and just visualize the breath going in and out, all the way to your diaphragm and out through your mouth. I even visualize the "bad" air as kind of smoky and full of "stress" as I exhale it, and inhale "good" clean air.

I hope you find a job soon. You are in my thoughts and I'm sending lots of job-finding mojo your way!

Love,
Amy

[lizriz]

It's interesting, though, how early the best seeds are sown: Garak, Odo, the Ferengi.

[lizriz]

I'm trying to image a me with the patience for daily meditation.  ;)  Definite thanks for the job-hunting mojo!

[GregM]

Hi Liz! Really enjoying reading your blog; I think you write well about a lot of the problems we creative types face. And as an occasional sufferer of anxiety, particularly morning anxiety, it's always helpful to be reminded I'm not the only one dealing with that. In case I don't get back to your blog recently, I wanted to wish you all the best with your directing gigs, and don't sweat missing that app deadline--I missed the Yale Playwrights app last year, but you can't make every application. Just keep pushing.

[lizriz]

Hey, Greg, thanks! Sometimes after I write something I want to go bury myself or the post or something, but I do think it's stuff lots of us struggle with, so sharing can only be a good thing. At least, that's what I think sometimes. :) I am definitely trying to use that missed deadline for some healthy motivation instead of letting it drag me down.

[Barbara Thomson]

Helpful post. It also gives me an idea that not all shortness of breath is because of asthma. And yes, I agree with you, laughter can make us feel better... thanks, Barbara.