"Meeting Your Half-Orange" by Amy Spencer

Four years of sex & relationships blogging for BlogHer and then two months of basically nada. But no worries, because everything you need to know about where I'm at relationshipwise is in this book: "Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match."

I got an email about this book on January 29th (here I out myself as anything but a prompt book reviewer). The email was brief, but enough to motivate me to send an email back that the book seemed like exactly what I needed to read right now.

Cut to the first chapter, and I'm thinking, Crap, It's a power of positive thinking book. And then, Crap, OF COURSE it's a power of positive thinking book! Complete with references to scientific studies about the effects of positive thinking and anecdote after anecdote of: "It worked for her!"

But it looked so damn inviting. I liked the "mi media naranja" concept hook (translation: my half-orange), and somehow I knew that this was a book I needed to read right now. Hey, I've got my spiritual things. For example, author Amy Spencer doesn't think that two opposite things can be true at the same time. Whereas I think that the most important truths in life almost always exist where two opposite things ARE true at the same time.

However, while reading her chapter "Hit the Garden Shop: Admit You Want It," I came to believe that we'd be arguing two sides of the same coin on this one. While she talked about owning that you really want to be in a relationship, I suddenly thought, Do I really want to be in a relationship? And, even more important, what the heck does that mean to me? I've been letting my partners define my relationship dynamics because I have no idea.

So then I'm reading the sections on vision boards, and I know exactly what I want to put on mine. So I did it. Not with cut outs from magazines, but with pictures of my friends and places I love and things that say "healthy and happy" to me: vegetables, flowers, etc. I printed pictures from my iPhoto, and I stole some off Facebook. It was a totally awesome project. I have pictures of some of my favorite couples as well as shots of some of my single friends enjoying life with me in the ways that I love. I look at this collage, and I feel such love and happiness. I hung it my kitchen because I wanted it to be somewhere I stand daily, well lit, doing healthy things. And I wanted people who come to my home to see it. I wanted to honestly own what is important to me in life and love.

It did occur to me that I could explain my vision board to others by saying I was reviewing this book and so did this project as an experiment. But, that wouldn't have been honest.

And so, I emailed a .jpg of it to a bunch of people who are unlikely to be in my kitchen anytime soon, and just said, Hey, I did this, and I wanted to share it with you. Letting it hit them however it did. At the same time, I didn't want to blog it or even Facebook it, because I do want to maintain some bit of privacy about it. It's something so special to me, and to be honest, it's a big part of why I think this book is a must read for singles. (My main regret about this book would be that, like most of this genre, it is primarily targeted towards women and has a fair dash of gender-assumptive commentary that annoys nonconformists like myself. My suggestion for my male readers, should they feel at all inclined, is to read it anyway. Women have had to do similar things in different circumstances since the beginning of time.)

So. A word on positive thinking. Some of what is said in the name of "positive thinking" - both out in the world and in this book - does rub me the wrong way. Reading, I couldn't help but think of the Sex & the City episode where Charlotte and Carrie go to the dating seminar and Charlotte breaks down insisting that her heart *is* really, really open. So the thing is, I don't recommend this book as some magic formula. The author is wonderfully positive - of course - but stories about specific things on vision boards being miraculously manifested definitely turn my stomach.

At the same time, this book is almost 100% where I am right now. I definitely feel like I've been settling in my relationships. Not in terms of the guys, who were fine, nice people, but in terms of the relationship dynamics and the compromises I was making. I look at my vision board, and I can't remember having what I see there. And you don't have to be bitter when you say, If I can't have that, I'll just be single, thanks. I mean, I'm pretty damn happy. I have great friends and good times all the time.

Now I'm looking for someone who fits into that life, and I'm doing it by not looking at all. (See chapter: Nurture Your Sapling to Bloom: Live a Happy Life.)

So, I'm not into positive thinking, I'm pro positive thinking... Ah, Life and your dichotomies.

At the end of the day, for me, I am living my life, thinking positively, not because I think it's magic, but because I think it's the best way to live. And I do believe that putting positive energy out brings positive energy back to you. It's when the ways we talk about positive thinking get literal or overly mystical that I get a little worried. I think, talk the talk, but you've got to walk the walk, too. I say, don't do the things in this book because of the ends, do them because the action of the means will get you to a happier place in life. Will cause you to be a happier person.

What happens after that, I leave it to faith and make no promises.

Fact is, "Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match" has absolutely awesome, practical suggestions for things you could be doing right now to be happier and truer to yourself. More than what I could possibly cover in a review. Even things you don't have to be actively dating to do.

I mean, look at me. I haven't been out there. I'm taking this time to focus on myself and really, truly figure out what I want. I'm enjoying my new apartment (always with the apartment!), and my friends, and I feel great. This book really built on where I'm at right now.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that it's also really well written and a joy to read.

If you decide to check it out, I'd love it if you'd come back and tell me what you think. Meanwhile, I'll be standing in my kitchen looking at my pretty pictures... and maybe even getting back out there. When it feels right.

~

Please note that I received the book reviewed above for free from the publisher for my honest review, and I won't be sending it back.

Comments

[amanda k.]

I hope I get to see that collage soon!

[lizriz]

:)  I used one of your orange grove pics - It couldn't be more perfect!

Anyway, I'm wanting to have a movie night, but I'm afraid my TV and sound system aren't really good enough for it. We need to invade Marcus' place again soon.

I'll have to think of something else to host at my place.

[Amy (The Dating Optimist)]

Hey Liz,

Just found your post...I'm so glad you got a copy of the book and I appreciate your honest review, including the "Oh crap, positive thinking" moment that came with it. Ha! And you're right, it's not magic. It's just a reminder that what we think and how we feel has a direct correlation with the people we meet and what we get back in life. And like you say, people should do it because you feel better and happier in life when you're on your game, not because you're counting down the days until it "works." I only did it myself because I was sick and tired of feeling, well, sick and tired of dating and I wanted to get my joy back. So glad the book hit you as you're in the same-ish place. It's not about how fast the right guy comes, it's about how much you love and live up your life until he does, right?

Best,
Amy

[Datingoptimist]

Hey Liz,

Just found this...I'm so glad you got a copy of the book and I appreciate your honest review, including the "Oh crap, positive thinking" moment that came with it. Ha! And you're right, it's not magic. It's just a reminder that what we think and how we feel has a direct correlation with the people we meet and what we get back in life. And like you say, people should do it because you feel better and happier in life when you're on your game, not because you're counting down the days until it "works." I only did it myself because I was sick and tired of feeling, well, sick and tired of dating and I wanted to get my joy back. So glad the book hit you as you're in the same-ish place. It's not about how fast the right guy comes, it's about how much you love and live up your life until he does, right?

Best,

Amy

[lizriz]

Hi Amy! Thanks for stopping by. I have a friend who I was telling about your book and where I'm at, and he summed it up like, "Oh, it's like that moment at the end of Under the Tuscan Sun where she's all happy with her life and her friends." It's a good place to be. :)