I'm considering a slight Internet dating deception.

So, I am an honest and straightforward person who never hides who they are. My goal with my online dating profile is first and foremost to be authentic and specific, rather than to have a more general profile designed to garner a lot of dates. The other way is perfectly valid if you're at a point where you want to go out a lot and meet a lot of different people, but these days I'm more into quality than quantity.

But. I'm considering changing my profile to downplay my gray hair as much as possible. And then yes, having it show up to the table, because it does have the quality of being attached to my head. 30-Something with Gray Hair: Surprise!

Right now, it's totally out there on my profile, as is my style. I say this:

The first things people usually notice about me:

I’m betting it’s a tie between my natural Rogue-streaked hair and my ebullient laugh.

And this is one of my pics, where my hair looks really white in front of the fountain:

The thing is, I know that the gray hair is a weird thing. A potentially off-putting thing.

And I usually feel most sympatico with and date younger guys, which makes it potentially even more of a thing. Though let's be honest, like the entire age dynamic in dating, it's probably even more of a thing the closer a guy is to my age. Just as more younger guys will date up in age vs. older guys who tend to want someone younger than them. I suspect it's a Gen Y v. Gen X thing, but who knows.

But the point: I love my hair, but sometimes it makes me feel like I'm asking a lot of the universe. I know for a fact that some of the people around me think that.

Back to the online dating profile, whatever you're going to see or think when you meet me in person, it's got to be weird to consider on the page and just looking at pics. I suspect I would have a more attractive profile if I downplayed it, and then just showed up as a full, in-person package. Looking my best and laughing ebulliantly. Because I think once you get used to it, a lot of people do find my gray hair interesting and even attractive.

But I just don't know if I have it in me to play that game.

What do you think? Should I try it?

Comments

[Ono]

With anything that could be a shock to someone in the dating world, I think it's not a bad idea to downplay it. I like to think of it this way, I'm giving someone the opportunity to overlook any biases they have and get to know me, a really nice and fun person. People can often deal with things or be attracted to people they may not have thought possible if the chemistry is there. To completely oversimplify, a few years ago I hated pickles, now, I'm a fan. We convince ourselves of things that may not be true for us over time. Change happens through exposure.

But you may want to prepare yourself for a bumpy ride if others don't see eye to eye.

[Neil]

Wow. This is a tough question. Remember the last time I saw you, I complimented you for letting it go gray and saying it was attractive. That was all true. I meant it. But I also know you. The real you. Or some sort of real you. I'm not an expert in online dating, but I'm sure everyone is very nervous about it, and there is potential for someone interesting to not see anything else in your photo other than the gray. At my age it doesn't really matter, cause I'm getting gray myself. BUT if I was 30 years old, I might have a different reaction.

I would say keep it gray if you like it. I think your self-confidence makes you hotter than your hair color. But if you really really want to get some hunky 30 year old sending you an email, you might cheat a little. No one would judge you for it.

Just remember to tell us the juicy details of the date online.

[Lotus / Sarcastic Mom]

In my not so humble opinion, I don't think it's ever asking too much of the Universe to accept you as you are and in the state which makes you the happiest. The guy you find who loves you for you and then your hair just because it's on YOUR head - that's the dude you want, right? And I know that sounds like a big ton of happy horseshit, and maybe it is, but god, I believe it's true.

PS: You are adorable.

(Your gray hair IS interesting and attractive.)

[Avitable]

Having been in the online dating arena for 9 months, I know that my experience is limited, but here's my advice:

Downplay the hair. Mention it in your profile, and be honest about it, but maybe focus on photos that don't showcase it. I'm sure you'll have commenters who will say "If he really likes you, it won't bother him" but they've obviously never been on an online dating site.

In person you ARE ebullient and dynamic and it's very attractive. It's becoming on you, and I think that meeting you in person would dispel any issues someone might have.

[Cynthia]

When I first started on OKC I was active in the forum where people asked for advice on their profiles. Just given the one picture and one snippet you've posted here, this is what I'd tell you:

The photo is unflattering. If your hair was a rich medium brown, it would be an ordinary not-awesome picture. But this picture makes you look older than you are. Part of it is that your hair looks very white, but much of it is that you're squinting.

If you normally use words and phrases like "ebullient" and "Rogue-streaked" then the text is fine - and honest (if you wouldn't say it that way out loud, then change it to something you would say).

Have a friend take pictures of your face, close up, showing your hair and whatever makeup you use when you're trying to look nice. I think you need to strike a balance between "I have gray hair SO THERE GET OVER IT THIS IS MEEEEEE!" and pretending that you don't have gray hair. Gray hair is not a big deal (or it shouldn't be) so there's no need to call attention to it. But you also don't want to post pictures from back when you colored your hair and thereby give the impression that that is what you look like now.

So I guess my answer to the question you posed at the end is 'no,' if going for it means being not-entirely-honest about the way you look.

I'm fat, and while I feel like I'm clear about it in my profile, I've still had the (really really awful) experience of meeting some boy and seeing disappointment in his face. I'm all about avoiding that nasty little experience whenever possible.

[lizriz]

Well, drat, I frikkin' love that picture! I love how the fountain makes my hair look all frosty. And I'm happy and in my most favorite clothes.

As much as I logically understand things about my gray hair, I have to admit that I can't actually grok the situation. I look at the picture and I just see me, you know? The gray hair doesn't mean to me what it means to others because I'm just me. It's like what Neil said.

Of course, that's not my profile pic. I have a couple head shots and then action shots that show my whole body out and about. It's so hard, because I so rarely take a good photo. And I *always* scrunch my eyes.

I think that on some level, it's always going to be strange to me that my natural hair sends these messages that have nothing to do with my reality.

[Bill Cammack]

In that picture, you look the way you describe yourself. You look happy and you look comfortable in those clothes. It's a good WYSIWYG picture.

The problem with it is that you take up 1/6 of the actual frame and the rest is fluff. When guys look at pictures on dating sites, we want to see what YOU look like and couldn't possibly care any less about the background scenery.

A friend of mine thinks that a picture of her looks good so long as she's in front of an artistic or otherwise interesting background. It doesn't work like that.

If we were hanging out with you in that same location, we'd be looking at YOU, not all that extra stuff behind you.

As far as the grayness of your hair, if you like it and intend to keep it, flaunt it. Guys are going to see it anyway when they go out with you. Your overall style & demeanor should be what they decide to date you or not for and your hair color is only one aspect of that.

[lizriz]

Bill - I definitely get what you're saying about the pic, but I guess I figure if you've got 5 to 10 pics, then you get to have a variety. I like when a guy has some travel pics, and I like interesting framing. Bu...t still, I see your point. I guess I think of it more like, Hey, here's some pics vs. Hey, here's Me.

[Deirdre]

Don't downplay it - remember Anne Kreamer's online dating experience w/ gray hair? I'd say, play it up and see what you get!

[Lindsay Dianne]

I really, really like the look of grey hair both on men and women, but I do know that this can make some people nervous.
I think that the right person is going to love it, if they even notice it.
I think it's really great that you're embracing it. Confidence is key!

[Mira]

That is a good picture and I can say for myself and my spouse... we both like the streaks of gray.
You should play it up rather than down play it.

[Freddie]

If you're going to have grey hair, call it silver or better, platinum, and make it wild. Wild style offsets any potential for matronly.

[Jerry w.]

Gray hair? No problem.

That you sit for a photo on wet concrete? Well, that brings up a few questions. Me, I'm happy to have hair no matter what color it is.

Jerry w
www.boskolives.wordpress.com

[Blaiser]

First time commenter here --- I've been on my share of Internet dates, and I think I always appreciate meeting someone who looks like their photos. If the real-live person doesn't jibe with the photos, I kinda wonder what else doesn't jibe.

And I'm a guy who *does* look at backgrounds, but I feel cheated if the entire suite of photos has that 1/6 thing going on -- that is, a good profile includes at least one closeup, which I bet yours does.

And I hope you use "grok" in there somewhere, too.

[lizriz]

Thanks for all the comments!

Confession: I pulled my online dating profile for now. Certain things about the functionality of OKCupid were driving me crazy, and I'm on this just-enjoy-life-and-my-friends kick - Although of course it would be SO NICE to have some romance in the mix!

But patience is a virtue, always, always. :)