That's where I was a year ago: "Eff You, 2009! 2010's gonna be better, I just know it!"
But it wasn't. It was a whole big difficult year of healing. And learning. Always learning.
And not finding a new job. And watching my finances go to hell in a hand basket. And fighting demoralization at almost every turn.
Coming into 2011 I feel like, I don't know what's going to happen next. Will my luck turn around? Will my hard work pay off?
How much farther down the rabbit hole am I going to go?
I also feel incredibly lucky all the time. Lucky every day that I still have my apartment and my bed to come home to. Lucky for my health and my fitness. Lucky for friends and family and the incredible creative community in Los Angeles, even with all of our rough spots and flaws. Lucky to be free of old baggage and lucky to know what I want in life and what it looks like when I see it.
Lucky because I'm finally someone who can both believe in magic and someone who can easily shrug it off when it's not where I thought it might be.
Still working on understanding and shrugging off all the strange things people think and assume in this world, but I suspect that one is going to take me my entire lifetime. Another thing to be thankful for: Things to work on.
One thing I've been working on a lot the last few months is a little film called The Social Network. I've been living and breathing it and from it I am taking two bits of life wisdom (and a whole hell of a lot of filmmaking wisdom):
SEAN Do you live and breath Facebook?
MARK (pause) Do you ever think about the girl?
SEAN What girl?
MARK The one--the girl in high school who was-- with the lacrosse thing.
SEAN (are you kidding?) No.
In short, I need to remind myself that what I want to live and breathe, when possible, are my various projects that I aim to direct. Priorities:
Health (gotta live for the long haul)
Finances (gotta pay the rent)
Projects, Projects, Projects
You know what's not in the top 3? Any time spent on romantic baggage.
Don't get me wrong. I will forever be a romantic, and I easily slip love into my priorities when it stops by and says hello. But when it says goodbye or simply doesn't say hello, then it's simply not there as something I care to focus my time and energy on.
Questions to self for 2011: "Do you live and breathe your projects?" and "What boy?"
The studio closes between Christmas and New Year's, so for my fabulous unpaid holiday I signed up for the new member special at InYoga Center in Valley Village: 15 days of unlimited yoga. I did four classes in eight days, whereas previously I'd never done more than 1 in a week. It was intense and such an awesome thing for what turned out to be a bit of a rollercoaster week full of good work, good friends, and some boy drama.
New Year and... What boy?
One of my yoga teachers read this poem by Rumi in class, and I will leave you with it, because it pretty much sums up my entire worldview. It is my theme for 2011 and beyond.
There's courage involved if you want
to become truth. There is a broken-
open place in a lover. Where are
those qualities of bravery and sharp
compassion in this group? What's the
use of old and frozen thought? I want
a howling hurt. This is not a treasury
where gold is stored; this is for copper.
We alchemists look for talent that
can heat up and change. Lukewarm
won't do. Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by? Not here.
From The Soul of Rumi
by Coleman Barks