9 Reasons Why Dating Civilians is a Bad Idea

This is my attempt to flip around this drivel: 9 Reasons Why Dating Actors is a Bad Idea. Apologies to my civilian friends - I love you; I just don't want to date you. And let's face it, you don't want to date me either. And that's all OK. For the record, I love actors and sometimes, I date them, too.

One of the most common romantic fantasies that men and women in this country tend to have is to date and marry and live the American Dream. The men all want June Cleaver, and all the women want Mike Brady?

And why not (besides the mildly inconvenient fact of those two being fictional)? Conforming to social norms can find you loved, financially stable, and the subject of envy. And your friends will be happy you settled down just like them. Right?

Now I've been living in Los Angeles as a struggling director-type for some years, and for better or for worse have gone out with enough civilians to know what it's really like. So if you're an entertainment industry type seeking a fulfilling relationship, here I present to you why dating a "civilian" is a Bad Idea. My experience is with males, but the generalizations below being of the vast variety, they apply regardless of gender. (I'm honestly not quite sure how that works, but my musings are vast, VAST I TELL YOU.)

1. Civilians are financially stable.

They are often frugal and they tend to want to spend money on houses, kids, and cars. They plan for retirement, and they aren't going to want to spend their vacation money shooting a film short.

"Maslow's hierarchy of needs says that base-level needs like shelter, security, employment and resources supersede higher ones." True that, but further, when these are the most important things to you, you don't rise to the higher ones involving story, film, and artistic expression. So someone who's focused on making a traditional life doesn't just lack time for artistic expression but may not be in a position to offer (or receive) creativity at all.

2. Civilians are in a state of perpetual emergency.

Normal life is so stressful! You didn't RSVP for my party! Are you coming?! How can I PLAN?! OMG you FLAKED??? ENTERTAINMENT TYPES ARE SO UNRELIABLE!!! Every little life thing is an emergency requiring excessive amounts of planning and commitment. Funerals and weddings, people. You have to commit and be on time for funerals and weddings. And set, of course.

If you're dating him, you try to be accomodating the first few times. But after another big deal because you had to cancel for a last minute meeting, you start wondering whether all the pressure about things that really seem like they should be more casual is your idea of fun. Which contributes to the next problem...

3. Civilians have normal schedules.

Where they work half as much as you and yet somehow seem really tired, really stressed out, and sometimes incapable of handling a life that seems pretty damn cush.

Civilians are going to care that you work on weekends. They're going to care that you're on a film shoot instead of regularly and constantly available to go out to dinner and to friends' birthday parties. If you're on a shoot for 3 months, they might actually perceive that as a negative.

If pursuing dreams and creative work is an essential part of your fulfillment in a relationship, then you're not going to be fulfilled. But hey, you'll make that birthday party. Whoopee.

4. They aren't constantly exposed to rejection, so they don't understand the entertainment psyche.

I bet you've got a mantra. I bet you've got good days and bad days. I bet you're a master of the pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You might even go to a therapist to help you manage your self-esteem issues.

I bet you've dated someone who judges you for all of that. The fact is, they couldn't take it for even a day, so why would you want to date them?

5. They are rarely criticized publicly and therefore feel insecure.

Hey, I know the bad things people think about me. My good friends tell me to my face, and my critics hop on my online spaces and tell me I suck and that I'm doing everything wrong. You know what that does? It makes you stronger. It makes you question, decide, and move forward with your own ways, your own art, your own plans.

Poor civilians don't want even one round of that fight. But secretly, deep down inside, they worry about what people think of them.

6. Their lack of self-absorption in an artistic passion leaves little room in their lives for yours.

Entertainment work takes self focus. Sometimes you've got people cheering you on, other times it's just you in your court. You've got to think about your stuff all the time. You've got to work on your stuff all the time. In my group of good entertainment friends, our self-absorption feeds into our interest and support of each other and each others' projects. We take turns in a sense. We each have a passion, so we understand the prioritization of passion. We find ways to fit our passions together.

However, civilians often don't have anything similar in their lives nor the time and energy to be understanding and patient about your 16-hour day. They may feel that you're not there to support them in their times of need. You may feel like *sometimes* their times of need are rather silly.

Also, you will probably push yourself to be there for them even when it's crazy difficult, and they will not remotely appreciate that you turned your 16-hour day into a 20-hour day. After all, they took their 10-hour day and... Well, your priorities are all screwed up anyway.

7. They find sustained, deep happiness in a totally different way from you.

Insert pseudoscience drivel here, but seriously, for this point please see my favorite film of 2010: Get Him To The Greek. There's a moment at the end where (spoiler alert) Aldrous Snow goes on stage and Aaron Green decides the music industry isn't for him. In that moment we see Aldrous Snow's bliss, and we see a civilian walk away from it. Entertainment is like that, it's about the bliss, and it doesn't have to be the immediate gratification of a concert. Every other day of my life is worth every day I'm directing. Knowing I'm working towards those days and practicing my craft is where my sustained, deep happiness comes from. Applause or good reviews is just bonus happy.

Civilians feel that way about other things, I'm sure, and no one should ever say that any group of people isn't capable of sustained, deep happiness. That's just silly.

8.Their satisfaction is externally detemined.

"If you were to summarize all the thinking of the ages about happiness and living the good life, it may come down to this: if you can generate your own good feelings from within, you win. If you depend on the outside world to generate good feelings for you, you lose."

If you live and work in entertainment, you become an expert at generating your own good feelings from within. Of course, you're helped out by the inherent meaning and motivation to be found in exercising craft and pursuing an artistic journey.

Poor civilians be keeping up with the Jones. So sad. (And, of course, not sweepingly true of any group of anyones. See point 7.)

9. They inhabit a state of permanent decline.

The number one reason it's difficult for me to find suitable civilian dates is that so many of them eat like crap and don't exercise. They talk about how they're getting old, but if you eat poorly and never exercise... Dude, I don't think it's your age. At least, how can you even tell?

So he's the one thinking he's a piece of heavenly perfection, but it sure looks like he's turning into Quasimodo. (Or maybe Carl, Sr.?) Eventually, you'll get tired of being with someone who doesn't care about their health and fitness, and he will think you don't have your priorities in order (see #6) and things unravel from there. Lucky you though, you're still smokin'.

Of course, my dear reader, you will still be attracted to civilians in spite of all of this, and you may still date one of them someday. If so, perhaps by knowing what you're getting yourself into, you'll be the one who bucks the trend. But just knowing it's raining outside won't keep you from getting soaked, so proceed with caution still.

Linky Goodness:

From A Neurotic Artist: Hater Alert! Artists Attacked

From Gary Ploski: Why Dating Actors is a Bad Idea

From Matthew Freeman: How To Be Better At Dating Actors (Because You Are Not Blameless)

Comments

[Ono]

Wow! While I understand this post is a reaction to an unfair article, it's really negative. And sad. And insulting for a lot of people. Like...me.

I'm not sure anyone has considered the person that went for it, and didn't make it, failed in many scary scary ways, and was thankful to end up a civilian but still living what can be considered a daily drudgery they are constantly attempting to get out of. Or how about people who didn't make it out before the recession and are just happy to have jobs? I honestly don't think most people *want* to be civilians. They just don't know how to not let it happen.

Big sad generalizations on all sides here. And the length was really nasty, though of course prescribed by the original article. It's just sad to see. I know, supposed to be funny, but a little too bitter for me. I'm surprised this came from you.

I've always admired your strength and courage in your process. But this makes me sad. I hope your hard time doesn't continue to affect you this way.

Yours, a civilian, who's been blown off more than a few times and not freaked. Looking forward to that cush cube tomorrow, state of decline engaged.

[lizriz]

Hm... this is meant to be a mirror of the article that inspired it. The point is to show that both sides can come from this sort of place, so what is truth? I'm very interested in how one side of something like this gets a more of a gimme because it's more socially acceptable, for example, "don't date actors." People say horrible things to me about actors all the time, and somehow that's OK. Well, it's not. There is another side. There is another way.
I tried to match his tone... not sure how else to do a response like this... Not bitter at all; just seeking a like soul. :)

[Ono]

Sometimes matching something so judgmental is just as bad. I really preferred The Neurotic Artist reaction. It's sad that when people feel attacked that attacking back is thought to be effective.

Of course there is another way. There is no truth. There is only how different people see different things. And IMHO, the best way to deal with a difference in opinion is to not criticize someone else. Of course the original article was terrible, so to match it? Also terrible.

[lizriz]

Huh, I didn't even think of it as attacking back. I didn't take the original article all that seriously either, actually. I thought it was really rather absurd, and I figure that "civilians" are happy with who they are and how they live. I've taken advice to be open minded with dating in the past, and it never works out because the way I live and what's important to me simply isn't what most people are looking for. So that's where I was coming from. And trying to be funny. And to shine a light on some of the absurdity of it all.

But of course, where I was coming from and how I came across can have a disconnect.

I guess we know why I'm not a humorist. Thank you for sharing your opinion with me. I appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

[Frank]

If you were really in the trenches of freelancing as crew or the equivalent' you might have more credibility, but face it-- you're in anoffice most of the time. Lots of bloggers get negative comments, not just show biz types.

[Johnny]

Just happened to find this article. I've been with a civilian for the last ten years so I can relate to much of what is said here. I work in the design field doing corporate and freelance work. Lately I've been busy with great opportunities but feel like I'm drawing creative energy from a depleted source constantly. I've had a hard time putting words to how I've been feeling but this post does a good job at articulating the pain points. It's really no laughing matter.

No matter how much I try to explain myself to my lady, she just doesn't get it. My creative energy is my livelyhood, my cash cow. I need to continue working at it to be successful. Getting started on a project is hard enough and trying to refocus after distraction upon distraction is completely draining. There is always a state of perpetual emergency over the most mundane things, she's insecure most of the time about everything, can't take crits and really lacks any empathy for my artistic pitfalls.

Some of you reading this might feel that I'm being harsh. My girl is great, cooks for me, does my laundry and looks out for my general welfare and I never ever ask her to do any of these things. She just does it. And she's fuggin really purrdyy too. What's aggravating is trying to continue being an artist while trying to date a civilian. I've had to give up music in my life. It's too time consuming to play and write anymore. Now there is a void. An unhappy feeling you get when you know your soul is being malnourished from what it really needs. Civilians will say 'just make time, no one is stopping you.' I wish it was that easy. Artists deal in lengthy projects that take time and iteration. Civilians will always assume that they are simple tasks easily finished and will seek to destroy an attempt at attention that's not being directed at them.

I can't help but thinking that if I leave this relationship, I could actually live a normal life. Rewind back to when the raw energy was uncapped and enthusiam was rampart and I was surrounded with like minded individuals instead of all the constant negativity, lack of emotional support and introversion. It seems that when two frequencies of different oscilations interact, nature wants punish the one who is resonating on a higher level so it could prop up the weaker one.

Fortunately, I'm financially stable and the work doesn't seem like it is stopping anytime soon. The intensity in which I'm operating in my work life is so high, it reminds me of charlie sheen. The quality of work I'm outputting has never been better, but it comes with a price. Lack of sleep and no way to channel energy back into the personal battery reserve is doing a number. Its true, if you date an artist, you need to be a therapist, a fan club president and a dutiful spouse. This is a warning to all the artists, musicans, actors, directors, etc who are thinking about dating a civilian. Save yourself the hassle, its really not worth it. You'll spend most of your energy trying to figure out what's gone wrong. If I didn't have tigers blood in me, I would have split a long time ago. Besides the worst that could happen to me is I end up living in a cushy pad with beautiful kids saying 'Yes dear, walmart sounds like a great time!'

[Kapitano]

There's a Rip Torn line from a Larry Sanders episode which runs, "Show people shouldn't date real people - it never works".

Speaking as a real person who does shows occasionally, I never date myself.

Did you know you have a twin blog sister, separated at birth?

[lizriz]

Johnny, thanks so much for sharing. I totally hear what you're saying here, and yes, for me the recognition that "normal" life is pretty damn great really is something I feel it is important to acknowledge as well. I will say that I running running full tilt trying to do everything and be more than one person and I had a nervous breakdown in 2009. Hence my now trying to figure out how to live ONE authentic life and get some sleep. :)

Kapitano, :) Love that! Totally need to find that episode - do you know which one it is? And love that blog. Going to check it out more fully. I'm SO overdue to do a book review right now. It's one of my favorite things to do on my blog.