And rules were made to be broken, of course. When you want to.
So I haven't blogged too much sex & relationships in recent years, but, you know, dating leads to revelations, and I'm a sharer.
I was thinking the other day that we need a word like "technophobe" to apply to those people who are so anti-sharing on social media. They tend to misuse the word "narcissistic" a lot, and they really don't care what you had for dinner. So un-fun.
Personal dating revelations from 2012.
So I'm on OKC, my dating site of choice. I've e-met someone interesting, and I'm happy about that. Message, message. He says, Let's grab coffee. I'm not a huge fan of the coffee date, because it tends to feel like every other meeting in a coffee shop, but I also don't like to suggest a drink against a coffee date, because you never know, maybe the guy doesn't drink.
So I say, How about Thursday? And he says, Can we do Friday? And on Monday morning before work, I say, That'll work, Here's my number, Maybe give me a ring some night this week?
He doesn't answer that message one way or another, so I figure he'll call. And then he doesn't call. So Friday morning I wake up, having held open my Friday, and I figure he flaked.
I don't give it too much energy, because people are often on dating sites before they're really ready to date. My personal philosophy is that everyone's just doing the best they can most of time.
Except that my phone rings while I'm completely slammed at work at 9:20am that Friday morning. I pick up because I'm in physical therapy for my wrist recovery from surgery, and I think maybe it's the office calling me to reschedule or something. It's this guy, calling to see if I want to go to dinner that night.
Now, upping it to dinner is nice, and I appreciate the thought.
But ultimately, when I called him back - because hello, 9:20am on a weekday, slammed at work - I declined, and suggested that he give me a call in the following week and we try again the following weekend. I hoped that he would, but I wasn't surprised that he didn't.
So, kind of a bummer, for what it's worth, but It Is What It Is. I always think that the beginning of dating someone is like getting through the breakers in the surf on your way out to the ocean. Me and this guy hit a big wave and wiped out. You recover and you try swimming out with someone else.
It was interesting to me, though. Because there are two schools of thought here.
The first is, That we already had plans for Friday, so it was fine to call me Friday morning to solidify.
The more traditional is, That the beginning is when you're trying to impress each other, and not calling all week isn't very impressive. It certainly didn't make me feel good.
Historically though, I would tend towards the first interpretation, particularly because it's an e-meet from a dating website. We haven't met in person yet, and we weren't introduced by mutual friends, so there's no expectations that it wouldn't be ubercasual at this point.
Except. This year I realized something about myself, and that is that when I'm dating I really prefer regular contact. Emails, texts, calls. Doesn't have to be every day, and definitely I have to play my part in that, but the I Don't Hear From You All Week Thing really doesn't cheer me, even though I've rolled with it many times in the past.
I dated someone I really liked this year who was very disappeary, and it really didn't work for me. I dated someone else I really liked this year that didn't work out for other reasons, but we quickly were speaking, emailing, or texting almost every day, and that aspect was pretty awesome.
And the fact is, I've never had anyone switch from being less communitive to more so. I always think it will transition as the relationship grows, but it never has.
And I've been dating in L.A. for over ten years now. So.
Now, here is the Most Important Thing. That guy probably thinks I'm a freak, and that is also totally cool. Neither thought process is wrong because there are no rules in dating and it's not about rules.
It's about you and what works for you.
Someone else may have been totally cool and gone to dinner and maybe next year they're married and living happily ever after. But it's not gonna be me, because I drove to work Friday feeling not good about it, and I don't go out anymore unless I'm looking forward to the date. It's really that simple.
Particularly because for me, dating is about FUN. I enjoy going out and meeting people. I enjoy going out and having a good time.
Clearly, as a relationship gets serious, and if I remember correctly as it goes on through time, sometimes it's not fun, but I am really looking to share my life with someone happy who prioritizes fun. For me, being in contact is part of that. That happy heart giggle when you get a friendly text or an email is pure life gold.
So if you're dating, and as you're dating, I encourage you to think about what you want and what makes you happy. It's not about judging what's right and wrong in the grand sceme of relationships. It's OK if some of your friends and some of your dating partners think differently. You're not looking for a posse of concurrence.
You're just looking one. Someone who fits with you, and the best way to find that is to figure out who you are, and be true to that.
I leave you with Rumi, because he's a man who knows:"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi