Everyday Goddess

Be

On May 1st I did something I've never done before. I changed my New Year's Resolution to something completely different.

Those playing along at home may remember that my New Year's Resolution was to Break Some Rules and Kick Some Ass. This was really fitting while I was working on my upcoming film short, Zero Sight: Bad Call. (Premiering May 14th on Stage 5 TV's YouTube show, The Continuum!) I did indeed break some rules, and I did my damndest to kick some ass.

But as I transition forward from that project, other ongoing personal work has risen to the surface, eclipsing the need for rule-breaking and the sort of ass-kicking that goes along with it. And so, on May Day I resolved to

Be

Be Friendly

Be Patient

Be Open

Be Loving

Be True

Be Jovial

Be Confident

Be Complimentary

Be Giving

Believe

That's a lot of words, but they encapsulate for me a feeling that I hold in my heart and try to live every day, in every situation, with every person. Some days are easier than others. Some personal situations are easier than others. Some days it feels damn near impossible.

And that's why Be is my new resolution for 2013.

 

Resolved for 2013: Break Some Rules and Kick Some Ass

Last year and last year's resolution were a rousing success! In 2012 I resolved to:

1. Ask for what I need.
2. Accept what others can give.
3. Give what and whenever I can.

It may seem a bit silly, but having this resolution really empowered me when I would shirk from asking for things that I needed. I would think, "Ask for what I need, ask for what I need", and I would just do it, often to positive response. Items 2&3 come naturally to me, and followed organically from item 1.

Last year I got the air conditioning fixed in my car, got caught up on medical and dental appointments, completed my bankruptcy, got a cyst removed from my wrist, and worked a full year at the same day job for the first time since 2008.

I also was on set as director for 8 days, a record since I moved to L.A. in 2002. I directed:

• Trojan Fun Pack Commercial
• Missing Miranda Kickstarter Spots
• An episode of an upcoming web series called "WRNG"
• Sasha's scenes

In super low-budget indie filmmaking, trust me, there's a lot of needs and asking.

It was a challenging year, a catch-up year, and yet at the same time I managed to moved forward in multiple significant ways. I was feeling a little wiped out going into December, but I used some vacation days to relax and be constructive, and I find myself starting January with a significant shoot on the schedule and a refreshed body and soul.

Huzzah!

My 2013 resolution came to me in a flash while I was thinking about my directing in the past year. I did a fair bit of guerilla filmmaking in 2012. It doesn't come naturally, and it's a BIG challenge for me to break rules.

There's a shot in my FSU thesis film, Every Little Girl's Dream, with a large clump of Spanish moss in the foreground. You can see it at 11:16. At the time, I wouldn't move it because you're not supposed to disturb Spanish moss in Florida. But The Shot! The Shot!

I'm all about the acting and the art department and the writing and on and on, but The Shot is so important in filmmaking. In 2013, I'm going to be working hard on my visuals to push my filmmaking forward.

I'm certainly not telling you to disturb Spanish moss in Florida, but these days this filmmaker's been breaking some rules. It doesn't come naturally, and it disturbs my inner Girl Scout deeply, but I'm giving myself permission to break some more, because I seriously need to start kicking some ass. In super low-budget indie filmmaking, trust me, there's some rule breaking.

I'm looking forward to another challenging year, and I am so grateful for the opportunities in front of me and the incredibly talented people beside me. I truly believe that together, we're going to kick some ass.

2013. We're teenagers now, Millenium People! Let's start breaking some rules.

That's Some Kinda Bucket List

I was filing away some papers recently when I found a list of life goals I made a few years ago. It's clipped to a prioritization grid a friend had given me to do as an exercise. Because these are the kinds of things L.A. friends get excited about and share: Prioritization Grids. It's pretty hot.

I'm pretty good with short-term stuff. I like to look at my available options at any given time, pick one and go. It's more productive in the day-to-day to do what you can rather than spend your time banging on closed doors or wanting to be somewhere you're not. We are where we are, after all, and I for one am having a blast.

But it's a good exercise to sometimes think about the future, the big picture. Spending some time dreaming big can help you make the right choices as you go. And dreaming big is clearly what I decided to do when I made this list, which starts:

1. Direct a feature film

2. Direct an episode of television

I remember that I paused here. A moment of, what else could there possibly be? Then I decided to go for broke:

3. Finish a screenplay that rocks

4. Buy a Lexus

5. Visit Wales

6. Visit Louisianna

7. Have a kick-ass home theater system

8. Learn Spanish

9. Attend the Oscars

10. Get married

11. Pay off my student loan

12. Donate something supercool to FSU Film School

13. Truly consider living in the Broadway Building on Vine

I never did go back and prioritize them.

Reading this list made me smile. It's such a picture of me, such a mix of dreams and more practical desires, and a few years later, I still love all these things. I will only add two items:

14. Have an investment account

15. Buy an investment property

One big thing has changed however, and that is that I no longer have an urgent sense of desire attached to these things. Any of them will make me totally joyous when I get there, but I am also joyous about my life and the things in it right now, every day.

I still dream of a year where I direct eight episodes of one-hour episodic and work my ass off, but banging at that door, or feeling bad that I can't even get to the door, has lost interest for me. I'm directing an amazing film short in the next few months. I'm already losing myself into that world, and I can't wait to pull a creative team together and work together to bring it you. I'm working every day towards my goals, working towards a profitable writing/directing business. Meanwhile, I have space of my own, food on my table, good friends, and good work to do every day. I am so blessed.

It occurs to me that castles in the sky are supposed to be luminous and pretty. Not dark and taunting.

And so I'll share one of my favorite quotes, which has sat one one desk or another of mine for many, many years:

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.  --Louisa May Alcott

May your dreams inspire you, and may every day bring you joy.

May Play: Wrap Up

Well, I exercised 24 days out of 31 in May. Fridays proved to be the least likely day for body movement. I kept flat out forgetting what I planned to do on Fridays, weird as that sounds. Like I was planning to walk at lunch last Friday, but I totally forgot and didn't bring different shoes to work. Or I'd plan to do stretch/abs after work and then wake up Saturday and realize that it totally didn't happen. Does seem like a bit of selective memory going on.

It's important to realize that the main goal of May Play was to not be sedentary. So I'm saying "exercise" for lack of a better word, but I counted even a 30-minute walk or a session of stretch and abs.

Yes, the body needs rest from exercise, but at the same time, one should be able to simply move about for 30 minutes every day. It's our modern lives that make it challenging to be an active being on the planet.

The most difficult days are weekday work days. If I bike to work, then I've done it. But on days I'm not biking to work, then I have to walk at lunch, or exercise before work - not my fav - or after work, which only works if I don't have plans that night.

So making this change has been very challenging. I haven't lost any weight really, but I definitely feel stronger.  (I'm making some changes to my diet involving the amount of cheese, butter, and bread in my diet, so that should help with the fat tummy I'm rocking right now. I'm getting really tired of pulling clothes on and then off because they don't fit.)

One good thing I noticed is that when the goal is to exercise/move every single day, it really changes my perspective. When I would try to exercise once a week, then if I missed that day suddenly a few weeks would go by. And yet it still seemed like I was just skipping one thing, so not that big a deal. When the goal is every day, if I CAN exercise then I feel very motivated to do so. By thinking about how to add exercise every single day, the amount of exercise I'm actually pulling off is going up, up, up.

Coming into a busy June, I'm going to continue on with my increased physical activity. It feels great, it's (finally!) getting easier, and it's definitely increasing my energy levels. And exercise is SO important to mental and physical longitivity.

I'll close out May Play with a book recommendation: Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J. Ratey. It gets pretty heavy with the neuroscience, but after I read it my dedication to physical health increased tenfold. Move that body, people! Secret to life.

Halfway Through May Play!

It is rather absurdly difficult to be active for at least 30 minutes every day. So far, I've missed two Fridays because I meant to come home and do a full-body stretch plus abs or Just Dance 3 on the Wii, and I completely forgot.

I missed a Saturday because I wasn't in the mood.

And today I thought I'd get some walking in between the metro and where I'm going tonight... only to find out that where I'm going is literally at the subway stop. So talking the stairs in and out of the subway is going to have to cut it for today.

The increase in activity has been challenging physically, too. I've biked to work twice a week for 3 weeks now, and that ride home is kinda rough. At the end of the work day I think, Am I really going to get on my bike right now? Is this really happening right now? And then I just get on the bike and ride home, because thinking about it isn't gonna get it done.

When I get home I carry my bike up a flight of stairs to my apartment, and I think about that as the cherry on top. Woohoo!

So last week I biked a total of 20 miles and walked a total of 10 miles. Whew!

I've also had moments of feeling better than I have in years. Strong. Empowered.

Every time I get in shape, and it's so hard, I think about how I need to STAY in shape so that I don't have to go through this again. And here I am. Again.

But I'm getting there, and there's no way I'm stopping now. Particularly because of my lifestyle and my ongoing career goals, my health and my mental acuity are just too important to me to let them seep away on my couch.

It's actually really helping to challenge myself to do something EVERY DAY. I've missed a couple days, but I am keeping at it. Feels good.

Hope your May's had some play!

Welcome to the January BuckleDown

Fit October 2011 - unlike Fit October 2010 where I was a Health Ninja - was a bust. I'm big on giving myself enough time for things, and October was too close to the breakup/company's closing/new job trifecta of necessary adjustment. I could tell I needed more time spent relaxing and focusing on my new job, so I quickly let Fit October go to the dogs. I didn't want to get back on the health track in November or December, so Hello, January! (And Hello and Goodbye, Beer Belly!)

Welcome to the BuckleDown, which is up and running and already feeling good.

I toyed with doing South Beach Phase One again, and will *definitely* be monitoring Kalyn's Kitchen for South Beach Phase One recipes, but ultimately I decided to focus on portion control and Phase Two eating. In large part because I'm getting vegetable delivery from CSA California (my first box was very happymaking), and I'm going to be eating the fruits and potatoes. So no sugar/carb cleanse, just a return to consistantly healthy eating.

I'm using My Fitness Pal to track my eating, exercise, and progress. So far, it is very cool and works really well for me. And Vegetarian Times had a big article in the Jan/Feb 2012 issue about portion control. I may join their Portion-Control challenge which starts on January 15th. I'm aiming my daily calorie consumption at 1400 calorie's a day, but not being *too* militant about it.

In terms of fitness, which I seriously need to kick up a notch, I'll be continuing my mediation and yoga on Sundays, and adding 45-minute Firm workouts two mornings a week before work. I'm going to be rotating my Firm Basics tapes through January, and if I meet my workout goal, I'm going to reward myself with some new Firm workouts from Collage Video.

And I'll also be looking for opportunities to add in some biking or hiking.

But the BuckleDown is not just about fitness. It's also about my creative work. I have much to do! And I'm really looking forward to getting to it. This Saturday day will be my first personal work day of the year, and I can't wait! Really happy about my current choices and scheduling.

Also, with the dating. The dating is fun, and I expect to have a few new dates this month. If they involve exercise, movies, healthy food, and/or entertainment industry talk, all the better.

Now, this post was very with the linky, because I like to share what resources and products I use. None of these links were sponsored or requested in anyway.

January BuckleDown! WOOHOO! FTW.

Resolved in 2012: Ask. Accept. Give.

I love New Year's Resolutions.

I differentiate them from goals. My workouts and diet goals in January, for example, are goals. I set them short term and revisit frequently.

Resolutions, on the other hand, are yearly and more conceptual. I thought long about this year's.

For a while, I thought I might not have anything for this year, but that couldn't be. I just needed to work on how to articulate where I'm at and where I'm going. I'm ready to take on some pretty big challenges. And so, here it is. In 2012, I resolve to:

1. Ask for what I need.
2. Accept what others can give.
3. Give what and whenever I can.

My 2012 resolution starts with the hard part and progresses through to the easy bit.

Since arriving in Los Angeles in 2002, I've always tried to help others when I could. I've visualized throwing as many people up over my head as possible. And figured someday, maybe a hand would come down to help me up. Or over. Or just give a hearty shake. I'm not keeping track. It's not about tit for tat. It's not about expectation. It's certainly not about vested interest. It's about doing what I could when I could and being beyond happy if I was ever in a position to help anyone.

Because I'm pretty far down the entertainment totem pool, so really, it's a rare day when I can truly help someone. I'm very grateful when I can.

And I'm kicking it up a notch in 2012. Doing some volunteer work. But that's the easy bit.

The second part is aptly two-pronged. Accepting what others can give in terms of respecting where someone's coming from and what they are able and willing to give is fairly easy. I'm big on respecting what people say about themselves, and so what someone says about their current abilities and desires in any given situation, I would tend to accept naturally and graciously.

But, it occurred to me after I wrote the sentence, that there is also the actual accepting of something being given.

That's much more difficult for me, and starts to get to the overall point.

I'm very self-sufficient. And I can't get where I'd most like to be by myself. I've known that since film school, but never really said it out loud, in a sense. It's been the elephant in my usually empty room. It scares the crap out of me.

I once sat and listened to a panel, years ago now, where a director said that if you didn't have significant family and spousal support to become a director, you weren't ever going to make it. I didn't give up then, but I didn't really let myself hear it, either. The truth of it is that you can't do it alone. Not by a long shot.

I need to gracefully accept help when it is given. I need to be open to what others can and will give.

So, OK.

Then there's the biggie. The reaching out. The asking. The believing in the impossible and asking others to join the crazy team. Dreaming and sharing and saying, Hey, Here's what I think would be awesome, want to help? Want to join us?

1. Can you...
2. OK, That would be great. Thank you. And no matter what...
3. What can I do for you?

Happy 2012, everybody. It's going to be adventure.

40th Birthday Bucket List

For my birthday, I put up a blank bucket list and let my friends fill it out. I made no guarantees of compliance. After all, I know how these people are...

1. Pole dance naked in Monaco
2. Learn to scuba dive
3. Marry an Englishman
4. Drag a Slip and Slide to the top of the Pyramids. And go nuts.
5. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
6. Eat jackfruit tacos
7. Eat ostrich tacos at El Coyote on Beverly with a scratch margarita.
8. Find and seduce an Ambassador. Get him to commit a crime his immunity will protect him from.
9. Direct multiple features writtem by all of the awesome writers you know... who don't suck.
10. Leave your footprint on the Galapagos.
11. If you do #2, and are near #10, dive down to Truk Lagoon and swim around sunken ships. There's hundreds of them.
12. Avoid having children.
13. Own a racehorse.
14. Save the life of a royal & get knighted.
15. Run a marathon barefoot.
16. Drop acid at Burning Man.
17. Run naked down Sunset blvd.
18. Invent something stupid that becomes ironically famous & earns you a fortune.
19. Design & publish a game about quantum physics or neuroscience.
20. Learn to sail on Big Bear Lake.
21. Eat a meal consisting of the five most precious foods: truffles, caviar... (you'll have to research the rest...)
22. Save a squirrel!
23. Direct episodes of TV show created by Greg; win Emmy (for said episode)
24. Save the nation more times than Jack Bauer
25. Gossip blog crotch shot
26. Dine with Buddhist Monks in Japan
27. Ride a dinosaur. If dinosaurs are still extinct, clone a dinosaur and ride it.
28. Eat a bug! (preferably chocolate covered)
29. Make out with a girl... they're soft.
30. Take a vacation & meet the man of your dreams
31. Live on the Westside/Eastside... somewhere other than the valley.
32. Buy a fab. house w/ a pool & invite your friends over. Every night.
33. Date a male model. Who is much younger than you.
34. Tell off your boss.
35. Go splashing thru major fountains in NYC, Tokyo, Italy, Paris & Seattle. Run thru at least 40 different sprinklers... naked?
36. Snort your body weight in cocaine. Twice.
37. Realize your life purpose - snake wrangling.
38. Have a dragon-baby
39. Weat a tutu... to the office
40. Tell the world to fuck off & do exactly what you want all the time.
41. Sit on an egg until it hatches.

OK, 2011, Here's What I've Got.

It's been so rough I couldn't even muster up a big "Eff You, 2010! 2011's gonna be better, I just know it!"

That's where I was a year ago: "Eff You, 2009! 2010's gonna be better, I just know it!"

But it wasn't. It was a whole big difficult year of healing. And learning. Always learning.

And not finding a new job. And watching my finances go to hell in a hand basket. And fighting demoralization at almost every turn.

Coming into 2011 I feel like, I don't know what's going to happen next. Will my luck turn around? Will my hard work pay off?

How much farther down the rabbit hole am I going to go?

I also feel incredibly lucky all the time. Lucky every day that I still have my apartment and my bed to come home to. Lucky for my health and my fitness. Lucky for friends and family and the incredible creative community in Los Angeles, even with all of our rough spots and flaws. Lucky to be free of old baggage and lucky to know what I want in life and what it looks like when I see it.

Lucky because I'm finally someone who can both believe in magic and someone who can easily shrug it off when it's not where I thought it might be.

Still working on understanding and shrugging off all the strange things people think and assume in this world, but I suspect that one is going to take me my entire lifetime. Another thing to be thankful for: Things to work on.

One thing I've been working on a lot the last few months is a little film called The Social Network. I've been living and breathing it and from it I am taking two bits of life wisdom (and a whole hell of a lot of filmmaking wisdom):

SEAN Do you live and breath Facebook?

and:

MARK (pause) Do you ever think about the girl?

SEAN What girl?

MARK The one--the girl in high school who was-- with the lacrosse thing.

SEAN (are you kidding?) No.

In short, I need to remind myself that what I want to live and breathe, when possible, are my various projects that I aim to direct. Priorities:

Health (gotta live for the long haul)

Finances (gotta pay the rent)

Projects, Projects, Projects

You know what's not in the top 3? Any time spent on romantic baggage.

Don't get me wrong. I will forever be a romantic, and I easily slip love into my priorities when it stops by and says hello. But when it says goodbye or simply doesn't say hello, then it's simply not there as something I care to focus my time and energy on.

Questions to self for 2011: "Do you live and breathe your projects?" and "What boy?"

The studio closes between Christmas and New Year's, so for my fabulous unpaid holiday I signed up for the new member special at InYoga Center in Valley Village: 15 days of unlimited yoga. I did four classes in eight days, whereas previously I'd never done more than 1 in a week. It was intense and such an awesome thing for what turned out to be a bit of a rollercoaster week full of good work, good friends, and some boy drama.

New Year and... What boy?

One of my yoga teachers read this poem by Rumi in class, and I will leave you with it, because it pretty much sums up my entire worldview. It is my theme for 2011 and beyond.

Not Here

There's courage involved if you want
to become truth.  There is a broken-

open place in a lover.  Where are
those qualities of bravery and sharp

compassion in this group?  What's the
use of old and frozen thought?  I want

a howling hurt.  This is not a treasury
where gold is stored; this is for copper.

We alchemists look for talent that
can heat up and change.  Lukewarm

won't do. Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by?  Not here.

From The Soul of Rumi
by Coleman Barks

Not. Here.

Because I know my morning schedule is riveting...

But more because sometimes I blog just for me...

My Uber Exciting Revised Morning Schedule:

Night Before Rules & Prep:
    1.    The coffee maker must be set up every night.
    2.    Lunch and snacks for the next day should be ready to go.
    3.    Egg casserole must be prepared and in the fridge.
    4.    Have iPod loaded with audio book and charging.
    5.    Things for next day, packed and by door.
    6.    No 10pm TV shows.
    7.    No drinking on school nights except one beer is OK.
    8.    Shower, shave, and dry hair.
    9.    In bed between 10pm and 10:30pm.
    10.    Lights out by 11pm at the absolute latest.

6:30am:

•     Alarm sounds, no snooze
•     Coffee starts to brew
•     Brush teeth
•     Throw on shorts & workout top
•     10 minute abs

6:45am:

•     Get coffee
•     Turn on hot rollers
•     Wash face
•     Drink coffee
•     Roll hair

6:50am:

•     Check email/Delete crap
•     Reply only to quick/urgent/scheduling emails
•     Status updates/Facebook birthdays/comment replies
•     Check weather

7:00am:

•     Refill coffee
•     Unroll hair/turn on curling iron
•     Get dressed
•     Style hair
•     Apply Make-up

7:20am:

• Breakfast burrito prep
• Lunch/snacks prep
• Any coffee left to travel mug
• Lunch/iPod/phone ready to go
• Check SigAlert.com
• Put on jewelry
• Computer to sleep, air conditioning off

7:30am:

• Out the door.

Morning rules:
    1.    No errands (gas, bank, etc.).
    2.    No blogging.
    3.    No correspondence or comments that require composition.

This post was written and then scheduled to post, so no, I'm not breaking my rules on a Monday!