Everyday Goddess

I realize the truth: There is no frenzy. (in my Script Frenzy)

Could I *be* any less Frenzied?

Two things are happening:

1. I am trying to be realistic about my time and what is possible within it and within the bounds of health and sanity.
2. I really wish I had more time for Script Frenzy and screenwriting (and exercising, and sleeping, and).

The fact is that I screenwrite one night a week with a friend and that is an accomplishment every single week.

You know, I work full-time, and then I write for BlogHer on most Monday nights and Wednesday nights, and then I screenwrite on Tuesday nights - Well, by Thursday night I find that what I most want to do is sit on my ass and watch some quality television or go out and have some fun and not think about my computer screen or writing for an evening.

Sometimes I can fit in a second screenwriting shift in a week - Like if Hunky Actor Boyfriend is off on a Thursday night, sometimes we'll write and being with him helps me push through the Thursday night tired. And sometimes I can fit in a weekend shift. Far, far too often I've got too much other stuff in the weekend schedule queue.

I'm giving it all I've got to give.

I'm trying to accept that I've simply got to get sleep, because I can't be all exhausted at my full-time job. It's not fair to them, and it's miserable for me. Further, the only way I can make it through those first three days of the week is if I'm getting at least 7 hours of sleep - which isn't really enough, but again, it's all I've got to give and it is enough to keep me functional.

While I used Script Frenzy as motivation to start work on a project I'm totally in love with, I've got to be realistic that I simply don't have the time or the energy to give it to make it happen. What I have is the ability to push myself to write one night a week, even when it's killing me, and even when I'm tired.

So I'm sticking with that and powering through my screenwriting at the speed of turtles.

Very unfrenzied turtles, slow and steady. 

Script Frenzy Day 1: The Fear That Tells You Where To Go

I was in undergrad the first time I felt The Fear That Tells You Where To Go. It arrived while I was looking at an ad in the student newspaper, advertising a paid Student Government position: Assistant Controller. I was an accounting major at the time.

An accounting major with a part-time job at KFC I'd had since I was 16. It didn't leave a lot of time to be involved at school. A paid position would mean I could be a member of Student Government: A way to get involved.

But I was also intimidated. I hadn't been in Student Government in high school, and I hardly knew anyone at my college at all, as I was a commuter. In for class, then home again.

I knew it was a perfect opportunity, though, so I applied. I got the position, and I threw my comfort zone to the wind.

I went down to 3 days a week at KFC, and the assistant controller position offered me schedule flexibility for the first time. A year later, I became Controller of Student Government. With a bigger stipend, I was able to go down to 1 day a week at KFC. More schedule flexibility.

Because of that, I was able to rush and join a sorority. Something I never would have been able to do if I hadn't answered that ad. Something that helped me more ways that I can count, from learning how to meet and mingle with strangers, to getting my second job after college because the boss had held all the same positions as me in his fraternity.

That particular flavor of fear became my guiding light. I spent any number of years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I'm future oriented and a planner; I explored graduate school for economics, teaching English in Japan, and joining The Peace Corps.

Then one day, after another fortuitous course of events and choices, I looked up Florida State University Film School on the Internet and printed out an application.

There it was. The Fear That Tells You Where To Go.

And then, my world got flipped and tossed and spun and there were all new kinds of fear. My life was in such upheaval, I'm not sure what drove me to L.A. The good fear was hopelessly mixed with bad fears and hurts. Part of me still isn't sure how I got here, but by then I was running on gut instinct, and here I am to stay.

Then, there's been many years of seeing what there was to do and doing what I could. Similar to the years of not knowing what I wanted to do. Now I knew, but my options were limited. So I worked. And I worked. At whatever I could.

And last year, when I did Script Frenzy, after taking a few years off from screenwriting, I was suddenly fearful again. Fearful of failing. Fearful of writing being my only way in - What if I suck? What if I can't do it?

I did OK last year. I'm not done with that screenplay, but what's there is good, and better than my previous writing.

This year, I'm doing an adaptation, because I know in my soul that I will be good at it. It's how my mind works. It's a puzzle and a challenge of pieces - where they go and which ones are missing, or should be.

I got up this morning, and I was afraid.

Driving to work, I berated myself in my head. Just do the work. Just have faith; you know you can do it. But what if I can't? What if I fail? What if this is the only way in, and I don't have the strength to keep up this pace? How long can I honestly keep up this pace?

What if I don't have what it takes? I'm afraid.

But I know I can do this, and I know it's the right thing right now, why am I feeling like this?

And like a light coming on - How did I miss it before? - I realized. This is not a bad fear.

This is The Fear That Tells You Where To Go.

Are You In The Frenzy? Script Frenzy!

Hello, March 31st.

Hello, script panic.

Last year, I realized that the trick to Script Frenzy is preparation. Well, it's the end of March, and there's been some, but not nearly enough. Still, I am ready (in a really whiny, panicked sort of way) to soldier on. Who's with me?

If you're in, jump on Script Frenzy and add me as a friend! You know, it is crazy, and I totally failed last year - Except for the fact that I started writing again, got further than I had in years, totally had fun, and am confident I'll finish that screenplay in 2008 - A solid first draft anyway.

So jump on in, the water's terrifying.

Are you in The Frenzy?

Script Frenzy 2008: Countdown to Awesome. Or Hell. Or Awesome Hell.

Get those taxes done, baby, because Script Frenzy is happening in April - That's right; that's as in next month.

I am doing a novel adaptation. I have not acquired the rights.

I've, of course, picked a *really* challenging adaptation for my first attempt at adaptation. Further, I'm still working on my original screenplay from last Script Frenzy. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to pull this adaptation off at all, much less have a first draft in a month, so I'm not contacting the author until I feel more confident that I'm correct in my belief that there's even a script there, much less that I can write it.

It's two months of my life, and it's a fun challenge that I'm totally loving.

But What the Bloody Hell is Script Frenzy you say?  Ah well, it is insanity designed for those of us who need the motivation of almost impossibility:

Script Frenzy is an international writing event in which participants attempt the daring feat of writing 100 pages of scripted material in the month of April. As part of a donation-funded nonprofit, Script Frenzy charges no fee to participate; there are also no valuable prizes awarded or "best" scripts singled out. Every writer who completes the goal of 100 pages is victorious and awe-inspiring and will receive a handsome Script Frenzy Winner's Certificate and web icon proclaiming this fact.

Even those who fall short of the word goal will be applauded for making a heroic attempt. Really, you have nothing to lose—except that nagging feeling that there's a script inside you that may never get out.

The 5 Basic Rules of Script Frenzy

1) To be crowned an official Script Frenzy winner, you must write a script (or multiple scripts) of at least 100 total pages and verify this tally on ScriptFrenzy.org.

2) You may write individually or in teams of two. Writer teams will have a 100-page total goal for their co-written script or scripts.

3) Script writing may begin no earlier than 12:00:01 AM on April 1 and must cease no later than 11:59:59 PM on April 30, local time.

4) You may write screenplays, stage plays, TV shows, short films, comic book and graphic novel scripts, adaptations of novels, or any other type of script your heart desires.

5) You must, at some point, have ridiculous amounts of fun.

Are you in the Frenzy?

Script Frenzy Update

Yesterday, I wrote my mid-point scene, hit 9,521 words, and decided that I am not going to meet the 20,000 word goal to "win" Script Frenzy.

I certainly *could* hit it if I got up on Saturday and willy-nilly wrote the second half.  And I certainly thought that willy-nilly writing would ensue.

What actually happened, though, is I started really writing a screenplay.  Steadily and successfully writing a screenplay complete with characters and beats and story development and act structure and - one hopes - some fair to middlin' dialogue.  And I have absolutely no interest in picking up the pace and writing crap, when what is coming out at a steady pace - the first feature screenplay writing I've done in years - is a damn solid first draft.

The other thing that happened, btw, is that I learned that had I outlined the entire story before Script Frenzy started, I could have written the draft in a month no problem.  That's pretty incredible.

Even when I was a pretty bad writer, I've always been able to just sit down and write on command.  One small tool in my toolbox that I haven't been taking advantage of.  Now, those non-screenwriting days are over.  I'm kicking my writing, reading, and watching up a notch.

I'm going to screenwrite my way in, people.  I'm going to make it.

I didn't write yesterday.

I'd planned to.

I got up early.  Threw the laptop in the car.

I was going to knit with my friends and then go write somewhere.  But somewhere in the sitting and chatting and the laid back energy of The Grove on a Sunday morning, I lost it.

I came home and watched Hex and The Showbiz Show and The 4400.  And Weird Science.  The film being relevant to my screenplay.  (Lisa appears right around 10 minutes, and there's really no deep explanation of how.  Good to know.)

I should have rewatched Hitch as well.  When I decided to come home instead of going to write, it was to watch Weird Science AND Hitch.  I played around with my yarn stash instead.

It's annoying me because I have all this worsted weight cotton, and I cannot figure out what to do with it to save my life.  Every pattern I like calls for DK or sport weight.  Erg.

I got Knitting Lingerie Style at Barnes and Noble with high hopes, but I didn't even finish the swatch I started.  Lame.

I'm positively buried in books to review, so I read a little, too, but I didn't even get through a full chapter.

I certainly didn't do laundry or go to the grocery store.

I don't know though - Sometimes I just really need to wind down on Sundays.  I mean, were I not berating myself for not having a supersized, superwoman Sunday, I would admit to having a pretty nice, relaxing day.  Causing me to feel quite relaxed and ready to work hard today.

Plus, I really do need to kick up a notch on my reading, and that's a relaxing AND productive thing to do on a Sunday.  Particularly since I'm writing through my lunches on the weekdays, which is when I was getting my reading done.

As for this weekend, I had my poker night on Friday, gamed all day Saturday, and then ran to a party Saturday night.  I was a little beat.

I guess I just really prefer to run, run, run during the week and then have fun/relax on the weekends.  What a concept.  Can't just play every weekend, but maybe you can't just work every weekend either.

I suppose the point of Script Frenzy is to be working more than I'm playing in June, but there you have it anyway.  I'm plugging along steadily, and my pace is more long distance runner than sprint.  I've got my eye on Saturday June 30th.  I may try to pull one out that day.  Not sure.  I'll definitely get past 10,000 words by the end of the month.

Which was not the actual point, alas.  But it's not nothing!  I will be positive!  I am positive!

Kinda.

Well, it's Monday, and I'll be writing at lunch and after work.  Guess I'll see how I feel about my Script Frenzy chances as the week goes on.

Weight, Words, and Money

One thing I'm doing pretty consistently during script frenzy is writing at lunch.  This is a triple whammy because I'm bringing these little South Diet deli lunches to eat, I'm writing, and I'm saving lunch money.

Which has me thinking about weight, words, and money.

Not long after I declared I'd slipped under 150 on this blog, never to return again, my weight rolled back to 150 exactly.  And stayed there.  For like a month and half.  Maybe two.

I was terrified it would begin to creep up again, but I also felt like I needed a break from being so stringent about what I was eating, and I haven't had much time for exercise.  So I tried to be careful not to overeat, and I've allowed myself the *occasional* treat, all while staying basically within the South Beach guidelines with what I'm regularly eating.  And the 150 stuck.

I concentrated on staying there and being happy about the 14 pounds I lost.  I concentrated on being happy my clothes fit again and that I felt so much better physically.

Still, I would very much like to lose enough weight to be dancing towards 130.  With my lunch plan for script frenzy, I thought, here's an opportunity to cut back on what I'm eating just a little bit, and maybe it will shake me past this plateau and back on the weight loss path.

This week, I dipped into 147 and am now holding strong at 148.8.  Isn't it funny how sometimes weight numbers don't even seem real?  You think: Really?  Yesterday I was 150, today I'm 148.8, but does it really mean anything?  Of course, in the cumulative it certainly does.  I'm really feeling like my weight is moving down again, and I also feel ready to bring in a little exercise in the next few weeks.

Which feels great.

As for words and script frenzy, yesterday I finished Act 1 and passed the 5,000 word mark.  This is not as far along as I "should" be, but considering it's the first time I've written an Act 1 in years, I'm trying to concentrate on the positive.  I'm writing again.

I sat in a Starbucks with a friend and writing ensued.  Progress was made.  I'm writing again.

And for all my whining about it, I'm better at it now.  All the things I've been learning and studying and thinking about are coming out on the page.

And for all my whining about it, I'm enjoying it.  Wow, did I just say that?  I am; I'm enjoying it.

I've not yet really embraced the "frenzy" in "script frenzy."  I thought I would write a little willy nilly, but I find that I'm not wanting to.  I'm doing a fair amount of crafting.  Act 1 and all.  Perhaps I'll get a little crazy in Act 2.  There's all that room there.

There's a big part of me that wants to "win" at script frenzy and hit that 20,000 word mark by June 30th, but at the same time, I can't deny that merely participating will likely result in a finished screenplay - even if I finish it in July and it's not 20,000 words.

For now, I'm working on the commitment to keep plugging away.  And I'm trying to stay focused on the positive.  And not the fear of getting lost in the big, giant forest of Act 2, where I boldly enter today.

Tonight is the WIF Crystal + Lucy awards.  I go every year, and I was fortunate in previous years that my former employer paid for my ticket.  This, however, is the first year that I was able to buy my own ticket.  I called and paid for it the day I got my invitation in the mail.  Which I'm hoping, hoping, hoping means a better seat.

One thing it definitely means is that my finances have changed.  Not hugely, and not all of the sudden.  I've been working so hard to dig out of the hole, that it kinda snuck up on me.  I mean, surely I was there when I got the Prosper loan, which then allowed me enough breathing room to get lower interest transfer offers for my credit debt.  Certainly, I was there when I got my new job.

But you know when it hits me that things are finally getting better?  When my paycheck comes and there's still a little money in my checking account.  When that little tiny bit in my savings account stays in my savings account.  When I can go to the doctor's office and not sweat about getting a spot on the street because I can't afford to park in the garage.  When I don't have to skip a free film screening because the only place to park at the theater is in a garage I can't afford.  Every single time I'm hungry, and I have money for food.

You know, I write that and it sounds like things were really bad.  You know what?  They were.  It was really hard for a long time and I tried not to think about it then, I just did the best I could day after day after day and it totally sucked.

And now it's better.

And tonight, I'm going to the Crystal + Lucy awards, and I paid for my ticket. 

And eight years after I emptied my 401K to go to grad school, I just started a new one.

And I have so, SO much farther to go.  Sometimes it's still suffocating and frustrating and terrifying and everything it ever was.

But tonight, I weigh 148.8 lbs., I've written 5,000+ words on my new screenplay, and I'm going to the Crystal + Lucy awards all by myself.  Tonight, I'm going to let all of that feel like something that matters in the grand scheme of things.  I'm going to stop on this step in the ladder and enjoy the party.

I earned it.

Whiniest Screenwriter EVER

That would be me.

Here's my glorious Script Frenzy word count after 7 days:  1,938.  And that's not gonna cut it.  (BTW, if you click on the Script Frenzy logo in the upper right corner, it links to my Script Frenzy profile which has my current word count.)

The one thing that I've done so far is write at lunch every day.  It's a triple whammy - I'm bringing my lunch, which saves money; I'm eating little South Beach wraps which are low calorie, fat, and sugar; and I'm writing, so I'm being productive.  Great, but I am a whiny little bitch all morning in my head.  "I don't wanna write!"

I once heard someone on a panel say that to make it as a writer, writing has to be your reason for living, something you can't not do.  That's how I feel about directing.  I write because I'm not directing.  I write because maybe a independent feature is the only way in.  And in my mind, I whine about it.

Writing can be so painful.

But, WOW do I need to let it go and kick it up a notch.  I've committed.  I've decided to do it.  I like my idea.  Now, I need to just go with the frenzy and type, type, type.

Stop being intimidated by the need for craft and humor and just write the damn story already.

Must. Write. This. Weekend.

June Goal Setting

Write a screenplay.

Ahem.

Can I Twirl Now?

'Twas the night before Script Frenzy, and Holy Shit.

Thoughts:

Almost every invite or event notice I have received for June takes place on June 2nd or June 14th.  Seriously, it's like a harmonic convergence of extreme Los Angeles scheduling.  I would have like ten commitments already, but instead, I have two.  It's a sign, I tell you!

As I signed up for script frenzy, I had a major breakthrough about my main character.  I'm so into the concept, and yet I've been completely stalled on it... because ultimately, I think I thought her up and then didn't like her.  Now, I like her, AND her journey is going to drive the story along SO much better.

I'm going to be writing Writer's Boot Camp style - at least so far as what I've gathered from my friend over at Rose Parade who attended their program.  That is, not so much with the writing in order.  If I get stuck, I think of a scene from somewhere within the film, and I write it.  I have a million ideas, and I'm hoping to just write, write, write, kinda free-form at times.  My goal is to end up with 20,000 words of a screenplay that kinda stick together.  At the end, I'll look up and see what I've got.  Don't worry, it'll still have a structure.  I'm mostly speaking to the process here, not the final product.  Hopefully.

Last night I brought this little chocolate lava cake over to my boyfriend's place - I had to buy a box of four, so I was like, Great, What am I going to do with the other three chocolate lava cakes in my freezer?  He suggested that I eat one after I finish Act 1, one after I finish Act 2, and the last one after I finish Act 3.  A brilliant and deliciously motivating idea, indeed!

Oh, and I found the perfect notebook for this project.  The cover reads, "Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars."

It's been a long time since I took something on where I had absolutely no idea if I could do it.  Feels good.

Something I can do?  Post everyday in May.  DONE.