Everyday Goddess

Heart Over Mind: A Letter To My Heart.

Dear Heart,

I must admit: I thought it would be easy, writing a letter to you. I'm a romantic. I think about you all the time. I blog about sex & relationships, for crying out loud. Yet here I sit, stymied.

Awed.

By your range of emotion. I soon learned that the lowest lows beget the highest highs. That my willingness to dive into the dark was sometimes rewarded with soaring bliss.

By your resilience. We've known darkness I wish we hadn't, and we can't get back what we lost there. Still, even while we were spinning downward, the journey back had begun.

By your faith. In the goodness of others, in the existence of love. Together, we hold fast to our belief that we will find what we seek.

I couldn't live this life without you, Heart.

And I guess that's what this letter should really be about: The number of times I've wondered if I could. The number of times I've imagined a light switch on my heart, and almost wished I could switch it to "off."

If only I didn't yearn for love, for connection. If only I could be a machine. No loneliness. No pain.

If only I could be even more of a work horse. Never stopping for a date. Never desiring to share my life with another. Never needing to spend the time that that necessarily calls for.

If only that entire aspect of my life would just go away, why, I'd have so much more time! And no sadness to slow me down. Maybe I'd be a working director in no time, sans romantic distractions.

I'm not sure what it says about me that I can hardly start this train of thought without hitting right into a wall that's related to how I started it in the first place. My first thought is always: How could I possibly direct actors if my heart was switched off? I would split open my soul for an actor if I thought it would help the performance. Every ounce of energy and emotion I bring to set is for them and the entire production team.

What a gift you are, my Heart. For the ability to truly connect with others, for my empathy, for my very emotional stamina, comes from you. The best of me.

My favorite flaws come from you, too. Every time I fell too fast, too hard into love. Every time I gave something or someone one too many dates, or one too many months. A second chance. A third. Too much hope? I'll take it.

Along with the lessons learned.

For you, my Heart, are a risk taker. Together we walk the fine line between brave and stupid, with something at least marginally related to aplomb.

We have honed the art of taking constructive criticism. We insist on expecting the best from people first.

And my Heart, you and I have mastered the skill of dusting ourselves off and picking ourselves up.

I feel guilty when I think about the light switch. When I wish I could turn you off and be done with you. When my mind betrays you, my Heart.

Thankfully, you beat too strong for thoughts like that to be anything but fleeting.

~

This post is crossposted at BlogHer.

Random Thoughts on Dating

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

It is difficult to date more than one person at a time if a) you already have a fairly full schedule and b) people you date aren't just No, No, No. I mean, if every date you went on was a total bust, then you'd just rotate through, right? But if you're interested in the person you are seeing, then you're cultivating that relationship while going on other first dates, and this is kinda hurting my head.

Because I do feel that this time around I need to not rush into a superheavyexclusive relationship without going out with at least a few different people. But it's actually really difficult to motivate yourself to keep putting yourself out there.

And sometimes I think that this blog is the only thing keeping me from giving up on love entirely. Though the romantic in me finds that so unacceptable that maybe that's not really true. But it sure feels that way sometimes. I mean, if I don't keep trying, what on earth am I going to write about?

Stay tuned for my ten-part series on my loneliness and angst.

So BTW, it is all you'all's fault that I am on OKCupid right now wondering what to do about my inbox. I feel rude if someone sends me a message and I don't reply, but what if I'm not interested? Isn't it easier/better to just not reply? Not to mention, um, Quivers and Questions and Tests and Woos and QuickMatch, and seriously, do I email this guy back and tell him that I dated his twin brother like four years ago??? I mean, he sent me a really nice email, and he's cuter than his brother...

So I'm set up on OKCupid and haven't emailed anyone back. Ass.

In eHarmony news, my current subscription ends December 7th, so I turned off matching like a week ago and put the lame note in my profile to let peeps know that I'm letting the subscription lapse. (Yes, I turned off the superlame autorenew!) I may or may not do eHarmony again in the new year, but with the holidays I didn't want to shell out the dough. Result of my 3-month membership: three (going on four if I get digits by the 7th) real hits, which is pretty good. With eHarmony you're doing so much vetting in the process that that's pretty much how it goes.

Now, this is what's really got my brain gerbils going right now: I've been thinking for a while about attraction, the sense of attraction, being similar to recognition. That when you meet someone you instantly click with it's often because you "recognize" them on some level, even though you've never met them. That they are similar feelings, attractive and recognition.

But what if that's a trick? What if what you're "recognizing" is neuroses, or commitment phobia, or the same physicality or mannerisms of a past love? I mean, that's not exactly full of win.

What happens when you meet someone who's just totally new and different? And you don't feel that click, that comfortable feeling of recognition? Because how could you? It's kinda scary.

And it occurs to me that since moving to L.A. I've been looking for someone who's quite like me, and lately I've been remembering that that's a relatively new way of being for me. Before L.A., I was more about the partner someone who brings a new world to the table. Things to learn and explore. Worlds to collide.

Maybe being in L.A. was so overwhelming at first that I found myself seeking the familiar, even though I wasn't that way before.

Maybe now that L.A. is feeling more and more like home, like a very real and comfortable part of me, I'm feeling stronger in myself, in who I really am, in who I was (the good bits anyway) before I began this treacherous journey into my La La life.

OK, that last bit about L.A., I totally just realized that while I was typing. My continuing dating evolution? It's clearly all your fault.

Happy Thanksgiving!

~

Linky goodness:

To talk, or not to talk - from E in Oz on Kalliope's Musings, a post about having the mental energy to deal.

You date our brothers, you date us too (*UPDATE!) - from Delswife on Love ya, Mean it!, a HILARIOUS post about prepping a bro for his date. (So with her on the carnations hate.)

No New Kisses - from Constance (the First), a quickie post that just provided me with a list of things to worry about during first kisses that I have never once worried about with first kisses, but which I may now being worrying about. Awesome.

Holiday Time: Am I There Yet?

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

This year is beating the crap out of me. It's been a while since I kept up such a packed pace and full work schedule for so long, so consistently. Add the emotional turmoil of breakups early in the year and all the emotional work since then, plus the fact that I've still got so much work to do... Well, the mere thought of a Christmas tree is just about enough to send me over the edge.

Luckily, the tree can wait and the turkey's in the fridge. And there's a lot of wine coming.

I have to say, all things considered, I'm pretty pleased about where I'm at. It feels like corner turning time. It feels like change is in the FINALLY cool L.A. air. Right after a heck of a lot more work.

I was spontaneously scanning sorority pictures into Facebook - Yes, my new guilty pleasure involves FACEBOOK - when I suddenly realized, I am looking at these pictures of old, happy times (read: old, heart crushing breakups) and 1) it's not killing me, and 2) it is really time to sort these pictures and move on. This jumbled mess of memories needs some order and some formal putting away. Right after I scan some more and tag my old friends. Hehe!

By the way, when I say "spontaneously scanning sorority pictures into Facebook," I mean spontaneously tearing apart my recently reorganized closet to get to the box of pictures I, of course, put at the very bottom of the very heavy pile of everything else. And I totally jigsawed the Christmas stuff back into the closet. And I'll totally have to pull everything out again to get that stuff out, and back in, and WOW, I need a break.

And by break I mean, location scouting, turkey cooking, apartment cleaning, and picture sorting, of course. Oh, and dating. You've got to fit in the dating.

Sometimes that makes the whole week seem lighter. It's been fun. Thank goodness it's been fun!

Mostly, I'm just really pleased to have an eclectic group of good friends coming over for Thanksgiving. I love hosting and cooking and because of my schedule it's rare to be able to do it. It would be really nice to have a normal time dinner party, actually, but then I wouldn't be able to use my ridiculous turkey platter. (Why do they put a Turkey on the bottom? It's not like anyone sees it with the giant turkey sitting on top of it!)

But all this and this and this has left me burnt out and running on axillary power and writing blog posts that are more flowing thought than constructed thought, clearly. I am *definitely* needing this long holiday weekend!

~

Linky goodness:

Thanksgiving IS Before Christmas - from Pearls to Hide My Neck, a rant about the crazy people who have time to be Christmasing NOW when normal people are just trying to remember how you cook a turkey.

Wow, is it Friends Thanksgiving already???!!?? How the time does fly! - from Devilham's Attic, they apparently have a "friends Thanksgiving" on a different day and then do regular Thanksgiving with their families. That's a lot of Thanksgiving.

Time to Spread My Thanksgiving Wings - from Guest blogger Mom De Plume on Momlogic, after 30+ years at Mom & Dad's, when is it time to suggest a change to your place for Thanksgiving?

Give Freely: Sincere Compliments, Firm Handshakes, and Warm Hugs. Especially the hugs.

This post is crossposted at BlogHer.

How many compliments did you pay today? This week? This month?

Giving compliments is something I do naturally and sincerely. And when I think about it, I have no idea where I picked up the habit. I just know that it's such an easy way to spread a little joy and let people know what rocks about them in a given moment, be it something about their physical appearance or something they've accomplished. Even those who have difficulty accepting compliments feel better for having gotten one, I'd guess.

If you don't freely and regularly give compliments, I've been beginning to wonder why. I've observed that sometimes it seems to be a type of control and perhaps symptomatic of personal insecurity. If you don't freely and regularly give compliments, I think you should start. Release that sense control you get by not complimenting people when you know it would make their day, and particularly when you know it would touch them to hear something nice from you.

Start paying compliments today. Even if it feels false or forced.

Because I don't believe that in a day you don't come across at least one moment where you think something nice about someone. Now you just have to verbalize it.

Go ahead, bring the rock and joy. I suspect it may release something inside you that you've been needing to let go of. If you never pay compliments and you start, I suspect it may flip a personal light switch.

At the very least, it will light up someone else's room.

And what's with the weak handshake? Why do people do that?

You can practice with your friends, you know. I did. My sorority sisters and I practiced our handshakes on each other. Firm grasp, double shake, and sometimes, yeah, I go for the second hand clasp. I'm confident *and* warm, what can I say?

I gotta tell you, the weak handshake is a complete mystery to me. Total weirdness.

So stop it! Take your handshake in hand and own it.

And finally, HUGS! I went to a party recently where everyone was supposed to bring their "gift," be it a poem or a dish or a reading... or really good hugs. I got some amazing hugs at that party.

The thing about hugs for me is that I don't come from a physically affectionate family. I was uncomfortable with hugs hello and goodbye for a very long time. (Don't even get me started about learning to, like, jump up and be foolish and fool around.)

Again, I think it was in undergrad, but maybe right after, when I decided that I wanted to become comfortable with hugs. It took saying, "I'm hugging now!" to friends who knew it made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, they were up to the task at hand, and today I'm a pretty darn comfortable hugger.

It's tricky, hugging. Usually, it's just done, so I do worry that sometimes people are uncomfortable. Or simply playing along with something they don't particularly enjoy. You know, in this instance, just like I declared, "I'm hugging now!" I think you should declare, "I'm not a hugger!" Stand up for yourself; it's cool.

But if you're in the market for hug, baby, I got your hug right here. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Sincere Compliments, Firm Handshakes, and Warm Hugs: Go Forth and Bring the Rock and Joy.

~

Linky goodness:

Learning how to accept a compliment... - from Laura at A Work in Progress, a great little post about giving and receiving compliments.

10 Rules to Follow When Meeting People at Events - from Jason on Networking Insight, a good rundown of solid networking tips. "Don't interrupt" is my personal ongoing challenge!

Pretty Sure I Have The BEST Husband In The WORLD!! - a wonderfully joyous post from Tara on The Black Blog. Oh yeah, you know that "he gives the best hugs" is on her list of why her husband rocks.

He totally cares about your shoes. He just doesn't *know* he cares about your shoes.

This post is cross-posted at BlogHer.

There's a thought process that goes like this: Women dress for other women. Because men don't notice or care about your shoes. Or your earrings, or your outfit, or your purse, or your makeup, or your hair... Oh, no! You are doing it for yourself and your sisters. It's got nothing to do with him.

I call total BS.

Oh, a man who says this certainly *thinks* it's true. Unlike your female friends he may not notice your new shoes. He probably won't complement you on your beautiful earrings or perfectly dyed hair. He doesn't understand why you need a variety of shoes to go with the variety of women's clothing for various situations. No, he lays it all on you and your vanity and your female friends and your personal love of the shiny.

And we're complicit. I hear women say it all the time.That women dress to impress other women. Because men don't see or appreciate.

I call Total BS, and I Can Prove It.

Because I work in the entertainment industry where we create film and television. You probably watch or at least have watched some film and television. And you know what shows you like and what you don't. You know some shows leave you cold, while others turn you on, make you excited or happy or sad or moved or simply drawn into the story, whatever it is.

But if you're not in the industry you probably don't see the lens length and how that effects your experience. You may not be conscious the same way I am conscious about the editing choices. The color choices. The shot design. The film stock. The sound edit. The sound mix. The directorial and acting choices. You see them, but you don't *see* them the way those of us in the business of making shows see them.

If I was the filmmaker and you met me, you probably wouldn't say, "Was that the Red Camera? Wow, your crane shot was really well done."

But you would know if the film moved you, and while the screenplay, the story, the content, is absolutely the most important part of what you perceive about a show, all the other elements are interconnected and integral. You can't make a good show without them. And a great show requires that almost all of the elements are great.

I don't care how much you're drawn to the story, if the sound's bad, I guarantee you, you won't even make it through.

So your man may not say to you, "Are those shoes Franco Sarto? They work great with that dress!" But if you're his type, he will know that you're hot, or earthy, or sexy, or simple, and that you appeal to him. He doesn't see the elements, but he sees and appreciates the show.

He just thinks that that's who you are. He may not even realize that you have ten different people in your closet.

But most important? As much as I love it when other filmmakers complement a specific shot or directing choice I've made, or ask me about the camera or the crane shot or any of a million other wonderful filmmaking details that are the absolute joy of my life, at the end of the day, most filmmakers don't make shows for other filmmakers.

They make them for the audience.

Your girlfriends may notice your shoes, and that's fun, but for me, I care a heck of a lot more about how my presentation effects my man (when I have one), even if he doesn't realize how very much he actually does care about my shoes.

~

Linky goodness:

What to wear on a first date - from everybodyisugly on Chictopia. Super cute article with some great tips. Love her theory on lipstick.

What to Wear for Men: Casual & Romantic Date - from Nicholas Morine on Suite101. I loved this article so much that I couldn't resist including it here. Something to forward to your male friends who feel uncertain when dressing for dates.

First Date Wear - a quickie from QueenMAB on Fashion Breakdown. When in doubt, wear these shoes?

I feel pretty?

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

I think that over the past six years I've become more and more worried (paranoid?) that I'm not "pretty." Or at least, not conventionally pretty (in Hollywood read: 20s; thin; cute clothes, shoes & jewelry; perfectly dyed hair), and perhaps not perceived as "feminine." So when I started on eHarmony again, I put up four very "feminine" shots. And got an unexpected result.

Can I digress? I was once asked for a Women in Film video what it meant to me to be a woman. I was stymied, but eventually said that it meant having a lot of choices. I was displeased by my answer at the time, but have come to believe that it's an overwhelming truth. "I'm every woman," right? I can cook, clean, sew, lift weights, tackle home repairs, drive, be the director on set, be the executive assistant at work, dominant, submissive, lead, follow. Seriously, the list goes on and on, and yet it's role switching, right? Because everyone has ideas about what "woman" is, so at any given time I feel like I'm fitting a mold or fighting a mold.

And the mold I seem to be most failing is "pretty," or at least I feel that way a lot. It's not that I don't want to be who I am, but sometimes who I am seems to eclipse the pretty part of me in other people's eyes. Like, they can't see both at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like my gray hair is a cloaking device. Men's eyes bounce off of it: Judged and dismissed because of all the things it doesn't mean, but that they think they see. I can't even blame them, since most women dye their hair for most of their lives, so people really can't help how they perceive it.

So, my profile. Online profiles are like resumes. You tweak it and you polish it and you look at it a million times, and then three weeks later you notice a typo. Or you have an experience that makes you realize that you're projecting something or left something out without even realizing it.

I got a hit from someone specifically looking for a "feminine" woman. Reading his words I thought, how is this possible? I so more often think of myself and my life in traditionally "masculine" ways or new egalitarian ways, and I think that my profile is quite true to myself. And then I realized that I'd set up a profile with no pictures of me on set. No pictures of me in a favorite T-shirt. No pictures of me being geeky. No, I was all about the pretty to the best of my ability.

Because that *is* a part of me, at least I hope so and I try for. And it's a part I feel like sometimes people don't see. And it's a part I sometimes don't have the time or money for, which is frustrating. And it's something I struggle with and worry about.

But, it's only a part of me, the pretty. And if you *just* see pretty or "feminine" if you will, then you don't see me, that's true.

But. If you *do* see the leader, the geek, the ambition, the director, and the steel, and you *don't* see the pretty, then *you* didn't see me either.

Post title in honor of the hours I spent as a teenager singing and dancing in my bedroom, "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. And "America." I could never decide which character I wanted to be.

~

Linky Goodness:

Mirrors - from Nine on Nowoman's Land, a post about reconciling the way you physically feel and how you look in the mirror.

Feeling Pretty - Shanea at From TX to TZ via WA is living in Tanzania right now and missing having opportunities to dress up.

Pretty girls don't need to be doctors! - from Fizzy at Mothers in Medicine, a rather disturbing post about talking a former beauty pageant winner out of studying medicine. It kinda reminded me of the dynamic where when a woman gets pregnant people spend 9 months asking her if she's going to go back to work, while no one ever asks a man that. Which I'm sure has no effect on the psyche and the universe at all. Hey, I'm sure that former beauty pageant winner's much better suited to business school anyway, right? I'm betting sales and marketing is right up her alley. (/painful sarcasm)

So I'm on The Facebook.

This post is crossposted on Blogher.

I mean, I'm on Facebook. Or whatever we're calling it these days. Yes, I gave in.

And I'm totally addicted, and I love it. I mean, I'm still convinced that someday we're all going to regret the day we signed up, but until then, when we all realize we've made a horrible mistake, and Facebook somehow owns us, our bank accounts, and our souls, it's crazy fun, crazy useful, and crazy addictive.

I've even got my first Facebook rule, which is: If you friend request me, and I can find you in a high school yearbook (obvi that would be one of *my* high school year books!), you're in. My friends, I have even scanned some old high school musical pictures - something I feel drawn to do for hours and hours and hours, but I can't spend that kinda time, of course, so I did it once for an hour. And I want more!

Blogosphere peeps are harder - Trying to remember/decide if I really know someone or want to add them. People I network with in the entertainment industry are challenging, too. I meet *lots* of peeps, so I'm trying to keep it under control.

For the most part, I ignore the applications. There's one where you can give grip equipment (sandbags, sharpie, clamps), and that tickles me. But your drinks, your fishes, your plants... Just keep 'em to yourself. I did accept a "mistletoe kiss" the other day. I figured, hey, it's a kiss, I'll take it, even if it is virtual!

The other day I wondered, do you get a prize if every single one of your exes is a Facebook friend? I've still got a few to go...

One thing I didn't do, I haven't listed my fav books, movies, music. I'm kinda over that, and reading my lists on my MySpace is like looking at a snapshot from two years ago. I do like becoming a "fan" on Facebook. I like saying "Hey, I like that!" and then your friends see that you've done it and some of them do it, too.

Funnest thing on Facebook? When totally disparate people from totally different times & parts of your life become fans of the same thing on the same day. Trippy.

I also didn't say what I'm "looking for" from Facebook, i.e. "friends, networking, yada yada yada." That seems unnecessary and oldschool, too.

I did feel a bit overwhelmed a few days in by the influx of blasts from the past. It's not the volume of information, either - I mean, we're all learning to deal with that. Rather, it's how Facebook facilitates conversation with so many people who generations of people before us would have lost completely. I mean, before, you might have run into an old acquaintance from high school maybe once or twice in a lifetime - now I regularly have chats with them and other old high school classmates chime in. It's trippy.

I find myself wondering about how in early America if someone moved out West, you probably never saw them again. Maybe you got the occasional letter. And then, transportation evolved dramatically and that changed. And it changed us.

Now, we have the ability to keep up with hundreds of people from the entirety of our lives, and I can't help but think that that has to be changing us, too. It's really interesting to me.

Finally, the romantic status updates are killing me. To see a friend's engagement mere lines before another's breakup. And those hearts! The broken heart is so, so sad! I'm still deciding how I feel about the transparency of all that.

It is *really* interesting how the tech and dynamics of Facebook kick online social networking to a new level. Interesting, overwhelming, fun, gratifying.

And near impossible not to find yourself saying, "OMG, you *have* to get on Facebook!"

~

Linky Goodness:

The Facebook ‘Relationship Status’ Symbol - from Sarah Crowley on iePlexus, an article about this whole declaring your relationship status business. She runs through the "Facebook-related" crimes as well.

Love in the time of Facebook - from La Diva, what all those relationship statuses *really* mean.

Exclusive! - A hilarious little post from Amy at Nelson Nonsense updating her family/friends on what she's been able to find out about a status change on Facebook.

Why I'll be Voting No on Parental Notification Proposition 4 in California.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

I've been happily sexually active since I was 16. (Actually, I was more sexually active then than I am now, sadly enough, but that's another whole post.) Had I become pregnant before I turned 18 there would have been not one doubt in my mind about getting an abortion, and there would have been absolutely no way in the universe that I would have told my parents.

I would have been afraid that they would have made me have the baby, and even if that wasn't the case, once they know, they know. You can't exactly feel that one out. Better to do what you, the pregnant person, want to do and leave them out of it.

My opinion? Once nature's decided you can conceive, then nature has deigned you able to decide what to do about the pregnancy.

Now, I had a lot of advantages. I was smart enough to get an abortion even if I'd had to circumvent this law or that - and believe me, if I'd needed to, I would have done anything before I talked to my parents. I also could have gotten together the necessary funds. There would have been drama, and maybe the repercussions of disappearing for a few days, but I'm pretty sure I could have pulled it off.

Would I have chosen a risky abortion over telling my parents I was pregnant? You betcha!

And I'm grown up now, and I stand by that opinion to this day. Sometimes the risky choice is the right choice.

Meanwhile, I literally can not imagine what it would be like to be a teen without resources to travel or circumvent the laws, or a teen without as much education to understand how to manage the system, or even worse, a teen who's being molested and abused by a family member - and to then have the government get between me and my doctor and say that I have to tell my parents I'm pregnant! To not be able to trust your doctor to keep your medical information private! What a nightmare.

And those bypass provisions? They are the worst! If I'd gotten pregnant in high school, I would have wanted to get an abortion as promptly as possible - I can't imagine having to go defend my personal decisions to a judge, thereby ensuring a later abortion, if any. I mean, it's painfully absurd to consider that girls in some states have to do this. Somehow I suspect that you can't just tell some judges you'd like to have an abortion because you have no interest in having a child right now.

Which brings me to California's Prop 4, and yet another reason to vote NO NO NO on parental notification. Under the new provision, if the teen chooses to go to another adult, her parents would be automatically reported to authorities and investigated. Well, that's absurd. Consider my situation. Are they going to arrest parents for being the sorts to force their daughter to have an unwanted child?

You know, it actually gets harder and harder to write about these propositions because they make me so mad, and I can not believe that Californians are voting on this AGAIN. The simple truth is, if you are the sort of parent whose child comes to them with problems, your child will come to you. But not every young woman is that fortunate. The Campaign for Teen Safety has a great page about Prop 4, including links to the official Prop 4 Summary, as well as the No on 4 Ballot Argument.

I've had this uneasy feeling about this Prop for months now because all of Californian's attention seems so focused on Prop 8. And rightfully so, but I hope hope hope that if you care about a woman's right to make reproductive decisions with her doctor and who else she chooses, you will also remember to vote NO on Prop 4. It really is a disastrous proposition for young women in California, and I hope against hope that ALL of our current freedoms are intact on the day after election day.

~

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers (including me) aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.

~

Linky goodness:

Vote! No on Prop 4 - Siel at Green LA Girl fumes over voting on this for the third time.

Podcast: Planned Parenthood's Cecile Richards spoke with Suzanne Reisman about reproductive rights - In case you missed it, a great podcast from BlogHer.

California's Prop 4 Jeopardizes the Doctor-Patient Relationship - from Carole Joffe and Dr. Eleanor Drey on RH Reality Check.

This is how bad it would be if Prop 4 passes - Don't miss these diagrams from Beautiful Day Rule. It's a nightmare.

Prop 4 - from Speaking Up, An Atheist Woman, she's infuriated, and in case you missed it, so am I.

Remember to Vote NO on Prop 4!

Dating: She talks a good game, but can she play?

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

So as is wont to happen on eHarmony, suddenly it's raining men. Of course, with my schedule, it doesn't take too many men to make a storm, but still. There Is Activity.

And while closing matches certainly occurs within the communication phases, there's just as much chance, if not more, that There Be First Dates Ahead!

So... Yeah... You know how I always say you've got to get out there, and be open, and I go all on about how first dates are just fun and meeting new people is fun, and men, men are fun... Yeah, I'm feeling a little full of it because I find that I am Nervous. Which is rather out of character for me, truth be told.

I mean, there's nervous, and then there's cat feet on the edge of the bathtub, you know? I'm feeling a little afraid of the water.

I think it's two things. One, I'm feeling more than a little reticent about cold dating. The eHarmony guided communication really helps with that, but I've lived in L.A. for six years, and I do wish dating would happen more organically from my friends and acquaintances. I would prefer to date someone I've known for a while, or at all, IRL. Or someone my friends have known for a while, or at all, IRL.

There's a lot of cute, great guys around me, but... so far, at least, nothing gives. (That said, hooray for cute, great guys! Even if they're not into me, just hooray for that great energy. And eye candy.)

The other thing is that I sometimes think that I don't have the strength to love one more person who doesn't love me back the same way. I mean, it's part of life, and I deal with it my way, and I like how I deal with it, and I know I'll get through it, but Ouch. Seriously, I'm Over the Ouch. It's emotionally difficult, and it makes me frustrated and tired.

I also know that the solution (salvation?) is to get back out there, have fun, work hard, value friendship, be honest, and keep living. There's nothing to be done with this torch pertinaciously clinging to my open hand, but to take it up then and use it to light the way forward and through. So that's just what I'm going to do.

Nervously. With two or three kitty paws on the side of the tub.

I *have* been giving thanks for a reminder of what Love really feels like. I was in pain for so many years after moving to L.A., and have been in more than one stupidly flawed relationship since then, and I think I forgot what it really feels like for a beat there. It is my personal opinion that Love - feeling Love - is always a gift. No matter the circumstances. So Universe, I thank you for it. Even when it's Ouch.

And, Onward.

~

Linky Goodness:

Dating Literarily - from Kathryn at Not All those That Wander Are Lost, a post about romantic literally compatibility.

Not a Martian - from Foreverloyal at On My Mind, a post about being nervous about interracial dating.

I must like him more than I thought. - from Hypatia at ...I Know Why You're Single...,a post about that moment where you know that you're sunk.

Long Distance in L.A. is 15 miles. I Date Local.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Really Local.

15 miles is the general distance between where I live - North Hollywood in the San Fernando Valley - and Santa Monica on the west side of Los Angeles. Would I date someone who lives in Santa Monica? Uh... Yeah... OK, it's possible, but it's like -20 to geographical desirability.

You've heard we've got wicked bad traffic here, right?

I mean, I've been sitting on an eHarmony request for communication for a week because he's cute, and he's young, and he made me laugh... but he lives in a city I had to look up on Mapquest. I mean, years ago when gas prices jumped, I stopped going to things on the westside unless they were really, really great, and like, every once in a while. And gas prices never went down. And neither did the traffic.

I kinda want to see a boyfriend more than every once in a while.

So I LOL'd at this column on Slate: Date Local: The case against long-distance relationships by Barron YoungSmith (h/t Feministing). (Dude, is that a name combine without a hyphen? That's bloody brilliant! Excellent use of intercaps!) I think it reads a little tongue in cheek, but I have to be honest with you, there's no way I'm dating outside of L.A., much less outside of California.

And this is besides the fact that I have a friend who met her husband from across the country on eHarmony. Their first meeting was in Vegas, and now she's married and lives on the other coast. Total Long Distance Success.

To which I say: Yay for Love! But No Way. Not for me.

And you know I'm a crazy romantic, right? But, long distance just doesn't make sense to me. Too many gray areas. Not enough sex.

And affection.

How can you possibly know anything when you never see the person?

Now, I have to admit, I have a really good reason to only date people in L.A. And, it actually has nothing to do with gas, or with time. And only a little bit to do with sex.

See, the thing is, it took me over 30 years to get here. And not only am I not going anywhere, but there is nowhere else on the earth that I could be. So challenging L.A. dating scene aside, the guy for me? He lives in L.A.

One interesting thing from the Slate article, Date Local, was the excitement factor in long-distance relationships. The drama! The being apart! The being together! The it's-been-so-long sex!

I wonder if this is similar to people who love first dates and first kisses and all that beginning of the relationship stuff that I can't possibly comprehend how anyone thinks *that's* better than like a one-year anniversary. When I'm comfortable and we really know each other, and regularly see each other in any given week, that's what brings the heat. Drama and uncertainty? Weeks apart? Not so much.

So, Date Local? I'm Down.

How about you?

~

Linky Goodness:

Date Local—& Other Ephemeric* Friday Aftenoon Links - Elizabeth from Ladyblog wonders if LDR-offsets are in order?

Is my relationship killing the planet? - Tracy Clark-Flory responds on Salon. She's not feeling the love for the Slate take.

Next week: Why the bus is more romantic than the car on dates - from Amanda on Pandagon, a feminist, more pragmatic perspective.