Everyday Goddess

Trojan Fun Pack Commercial V2

I got feedback on my Trojan Fun Pack commercial that the guys looked too similar, making the concept unclear, so I came up with a little fix, check it out:

What do you think? Clearer?

Definitely still sexy.  ;)

The answer to "Slut!" is: "Yes."

"Slut" is such a stupid word.

Every time I hear it, I think, Are you trying to say that that woman has sex with whoever she wants, when she wants? Because, I certainly hope so!

It's 2012, and we live in America, a country founded on principles of personal liberty. I certainly hope we're all having consensual sex whenever we personally have the opportunity and choose to, be that often or not.

I'm not really a fan of "reclaiming" words, so while I was glad for Slutwalk, it didn't really speak to me. Certainly, "bitch" is a pretty effective example of "reclaiming," but at the end of the day, I still think it's negative, and I don't like it.

And the thing about "slut" is it's still someone making a statement about someone else's sexuality and choices, that are none of their business.

And it's stupid, because it makes no sense to negatively judge someone for having lots of sex. Sex is great! Sex is healthy! Sex is fun!

It's like judging someone for getting lots of different exercise that makes them feel great.

As far as I'm concerned, the only answers to the absurdity of "slut" are: "Yes." and "My goodness, I certainly hope so."

~

Linky Goodness:

Jezebel: Rush Limbaugh Calls Birth Control Advocate a Whore

Pandagon: Fighting the mansplaining anti-sex police

Alternet: Why Patriarchal Men Are Utterly Petrified of Birth Control -- And Why We'll Still Be Fighting About it 100 Years From Now

Pandagon: When we say they hate women, we mean they hate women

Jessica Gottlieb: I Told My Doctor I’d Get an Abortion

My Trojan Fun Pack Commercial

Lover of a budget and a full crew, I always say that if I had a particularly good idea that I could shoot in one room with just a handful of actors, a DP, and a grip, then I would. So I did.

This little spec commercial for the "Trojan Fun Pack" turned out to be a great way to brush off some directing cobwebs after the last rough three years and establish some new working relationships, plus dust off some old ones. It also motivated me to make some overdue updates to my directing website.

In terms of the piece itself, I can't decide if the idea of a size variety pack of condoms for the sexually active woman is so unexpected to some that they can't quite grok the commercial, or if I've simply failed miserably in terms of clarity of concept. Certainly, some people do get it right off the bat, but clarity is *so* crazy important in short form. Still, I was really pleased with the shooting day, and the post day, and how it came out. I think it's beautiful and cheeky and it makes me happy.

This weekend I'm working on some more mundane work like taxes and laundry, and then next weekend I'm back onto my webseries, "Zero Sight." The next step on that is website content (in terms of text and images) and creation.

Thanks so very much to everyone who helped me on this project.

And if you like it, or even if you hate it, please thumb, comment, embed, share, etc. at will!

3/9 UPDATE: OK, so FINALLY last night a couple friends told me that the commercial's unclear because the guys are too similar - which immediately I was like, Oh, I see that. At the time of the shoot, I was really into the fact that they were in the same wheelhouse for a variety of artistic reasons, but a lot of this project was about getting my brain into a commercial space, and that's one of the things that's important for sure. It's only 30 seconds, so everything has to be clear as day. I still love it, and I love the guys I worked with, but it's a fair criticism and a good lesson.

3/15 UPDATE: I made a little addition to the commercial for clarity. Added names over the feet shots. Check it out and see what you think.

I'm so happy being single I could sing?

On March 16, 2005, I wrote a post called, "I am so sick of being single I could scream." It was my eighth post ever, and it was destined for long life, as it still gets read and commented on today - often because the reader googled that exact phrase.

When you blog over many years, you - hopefully - evolve past many moments and ways of being. When I reread that post, I'm instantly transported back to that place, that me. It's very viseral, and it doesn't surprise me that it's a place many of us have been and are at any given time.

Recently, Andie commented on that post and asked me a question:

I'm curious Liz, so have you found someone after that rant in 2005? It's 2011 and it's still getting visitors. Could totally relate.

It is indeed 2011, and I have to admit that I am surprised to find myself single at 40. In Florida, in my 20s, I easily went from one multi-year relationship to another. In L.A., in my 30s, I haven't made it to a single one-year anniversary.

Two decades, two ways of being, many lessons learned, and much personal growth later, however, I don't feel like I have "one that got away." No regrets.

At the top of a new personal decade, I am single and I am happy. I had a lot of living and learning to do to get here. I do wish I'd gotten here sooner, and I do wish I had a lover to share and laugh with, but both of these truths are just another part of my life that I embrace. Because this is simply how long it took to become this me. It could have been worse.

These days I love myself and the people around me as best I can, I am grateful for the fun and happiness and challenges in my life every day, and I know romantic love will come again. I'm looking forward to it - SO looking forward to it - but I've learned joy is something that comes from inside us, and I'm here living every day.

I don't want to do that.

One of the things I've been working on in the last couple years is, "What do I want?" What do *I* want? What do I *want*?

I realized early on that I compromised in relationships so easily that it was often perceived that I wasn't compromising at all, and then it just became my role to be the one who does all of the compromising. But even after I realized that, swung the pendulum the other way and back, it took me years to realize that I was *still* sometimes easily compromising against my own desires. When I didn't need to or simply shouldn't.

So I've been working on really thinking about myself and what I want in any given situation. I've been looking for a partner in a more equitable relationship. Where we both compromise sometimes.

You know, it's a gift to your partner to honestly express what you want, because everyone should be able to take what someone says as their truth. And it's respectful to do that.

I learned early on to guess someone's desires so I could increase their happiness. Call it "perfect hostess syndrome." Great when you're hosting a dinner, not really a way to live your life.

So I've consciously moved on to taking people at their word and trusting that if they want something different or they have a problem that concerns me, they will say. It's a much better way to live and allows your personal energy to be spent more constructively.

But here's the thing I'm struggling with lately. Someone says to me, "Maybe you should do this." Or, "You should do this."

And I say, "Yes, I've thought about that option, but I've decided that that's not what I want to do."

Now, sometimes I say, "Yes, I'm considering that, and I haven't decided how I feel about it." Obviously then, I'm still thinking about it and open to discussion.

But in the first example, what I'm saying is, I've thought about this option, and I have decided against it.

It's not that I'm completely against discussion at this point, but I don't understand why the discussions that sometime ensue with friends, lovers, or family don't come from the perspective that I've clearly given the matter thought and made a decision. Even if they don't understand it.

It reminds me slightly of when I realized that sometimes when I make super quick decisions on suggestions on set it's perceived that I'm just doing what someone tells me, rather than actually making a decision. For a beat, I tried taking a moment to "think" even when I'd already made a decision, but eventually, I gave that up and just let the "silent schmucks" (h/t Rob Reiner) have at it while I do my job as director to the best of my (quick-thinking) ability. (Of course, sometimes you do need to explain decisions on set to producers and other members of the team, and that's part of the job.)

The struggle in personal discussions is that I find myself in these back and forths where someone keeps giving me their reasoning and I find myself trying to answer questions and explain, all while talking about something that I didn't bring up and already made a decision on. I didn't pick the time, place or topic. I'm trying to answer their questions, and it feels like nothing I'm saying is hitting the mark.

Largely because I don't feel like I should have to be justifying myself and my decision, and that makes me give half-ass answers, I think. Also, that these discussions always seem to happen when I'm not ready or expecting them. Like, let me just answer this quickly so we can move on from this topic because it's a waste of time. And then down the rabbit hole we go. And I honestly feel like the other person is having a battle of wits with an unarmed man. Me, being the witless one. This paragraph is me trying to articulate how I've felt during these conversations and why I clearly suck at them.

Even writing this, I'm guessing that the problem sometimes is that I should nip the conversation in the bud and clearly state that the topic isn't open for discussion - sometimes easier said than done even when I clearly don't owe the other person an explanation.

More difficult is when it is someone who gets a say, like a close friend or partner. This is difficult for the solitary and most self-sufficient of us, but I'm gathering that it's part of my journey to let other people in in this way. It's particularly difficult because when you make decisions in your head, with yourself, you don't have to articulate them verbally. Sometimes, I like to write about decisions on my blog, but I am much better at written communication that occurs when I am ready for it. I will think for days, weeks, sometimes months or years, about the phrasing of a blog post before I ever sit down to write it.

It's also particularly difficult when the person you're talking to doesn't first come from a place of respect. Or comes from a very different mind set about life, so then where do even you start?

You know, when I ask my friends about things, I usually take what they say they've decided at face value. I assume they've made considered decisions and know what's best for them even if it's very different than my personal opinion. I might have a few more questions, but I *think* that's how I come across. To me, this is a matter of respect for the people in my life.

It's been suggested to me that my way is bad, because if I cared, I would push my opinion. I think sometimes that might even be true, but I suspect it's the rarer situation. Personally, I withhold that way of being for only things I feel incrediblity strong about that are basically life or death. And I certainly try to come with respect and carefully placed suggestions that I put out there, but then don't push about.

On something more day-to-day, I might do that. Throw out a thought or suggestion or book recommendation, and then move on.

And if someone doesn't take my advice, I tend to think it's because it wasn't right for them. Ever or maybe just not at any given moment. Whether I understand their decisions or way of living generally doesn't effect my respect for them.

So, I don't know. I need to stop being pulled into these conversations in the same way. Or get out of them gracefully when we're three questions in.

Maybe in situations where it's not the person's business or the case is really fully closed, "Hey, I've actually already given this a lot of thought and made my decision." Or, "Please try to accept that I'm not interested in discussing this further."

And with people I do want to let in and am actually thankful for their caring and concern (and in the case of a partner, my decisions actually effect another person which always takes a beat to get used to), "Hey, this isn't a good time for me, can we discuss this later?" If they respect me, that should be an option, since little in life is super time-sensitive and/or an emergency. Also, waiting until both parties are open and available for a conversation means that neither party is trying to push their position just to get their way.

Personally, I've found that I'm most receptive to discussion while sitting at a table in an intimate setting, perhaps sharing food or drink or coffee. You can see that this is usually a situation that's been scheduled, as well.

Most important, it is my responsibility to clearly communicate in this way. So, I'm working on it.

There's no doubt I'll find myself three questions down the rabbit hole yet again.

Blog posts, btw, are open for discussion.  ;)

I want to close this post by recommending two books. A somewhat odd combination on the surface, but highly useful to me in tandem.

The first is an amazing book with a horrid title, "If Love Is a Game, These Are the Rules: 10 Rules for Finding Love and Creating Long-Lasting, Authentic Relationships" by Cherie Carter-Scott. And the second is "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker. Together, they're kinda two sides of a coin. Positive feelings on one, and negative on the other, and both about communication and instincts and navigating relationships. I highly recommend them both.

 

A Seventh Song for my Love List.

It wasn't too long ago that I did my "Love in Six Songs" list. Was it really just June, the beginning of summer? Oh, summer. What a summer. Very hot this year.

I'm welcoming September, my favorite month of the year, by taking a fresh look at my love vision board, and by adding a new song to my musical definition of love.

Eagles, baby. Feel it.

Gotta keep those feet on the ground.

Body as Hobby

I've been thinking a lot lately about next steps in my diet, and I suddenly realized that my body is my hobby. Film and television and most of the things I do and the places I go are related to my career - diet and exercise are practically the only thing I do that isn't. Improving my nutrition and exercise is what I do for fun.

Health and fitness are also my first priority in life - over my directing and over my love life, which share the number two spot in a sort of strange life tango. I prioritize health and fitness first, because that's what keeps me going for as long as possible on my journey. Health and fitness are what give me my stamina, drive, confidence, strength, positive attitude and mental acuity.

This is also why having a partner who's into healthy eating and exercise is a deal-breaker for me and something I really value. Hiking with a boyfriend is so full of win. (Suddenly my last relationship makes total sense.)

More hiking is also my summer workout goal.

And here's my next steps, dietwise:

• I've switched to whole milk as part of a whole food diet. It has flavor. I'm trying to get used to that.
• I'm working on using a lighter hand with olive oil. Glug instead of glug, glug, glug.
• Working on my portion control. Turns out that you *can* overeat broccoli.
• I need to eat more beans. Questing for more bean recipes this summer, especially in salads.
• I'd like to eat more carrots. Questing for more carrot recipes this summer, probably not in salads.
• My friend Siel (Green LA Girl) turned me onto Seafood Watch so I can make better choices about seafood.
• When I buy whole grain products, I'm looking for high fiber; basically even better whole grains than I've been eating when possible.
• I've cut back on alcohol. It's amazing how you can change a habit and then just get used to it. I used to have a drink every night, now I go shopping and don't even think about buying beer or wine. Usually.

When I think about how I eat today, what most amazes me is that it took so many baby steps over so much time to get here. I could never have cold-turkey'd into pescetarianism. The first time I did the South Beach Diet, I could never have done it without meat and poultry. And now, I'm kind of transcending South Beach to allow my diet to include a richer variety of nutrients - Hence the move to whole milk and carrots. Previously, I made a move to incorporate more fruits as well. Not that South Beach doesn't include carrots and fruits, but I found that I had turned from them, and now I'm just turning back. I've realized that I like when my body is like soft skin over hard muscle. So I don't want to eat as lean as I've been aspiring to in the past.

So I'll see how it goes with the whole milk; that's a bit of a grand experiment. Which is exactly what I mean by body as hobby. It's a little bit of, Hey, let's see what this does!

What about you? Got any exercise or diet goals for the summer?

Love In Six Songs

UPDATE! Love in SEVEN songs. New song added at the end.

"What kind of men do you date?" Having embraced the impossibleness of this question in my life, I tried to demur. After establishing that I was straight, my questioner got more specific. OK, but what age range?

The double demur usually eludes me, so I replied that historically I've dated between nine years younger than myself and a few years older. Usually. So, for whatever that's worth.

"What's your type?"

"It's like porn; I know it when I see it."

Seriously, everything feels so intuitive these days, I've become more and more resistant to any concept of "type." Sure, there's an easy way I can go with it, but I find describing a type to be oversimplifying, excluding, and clumsy.

I created my love vision board, because looking at it encapsulates so much of the feeling of the people and things I love. I can look at it and know that when I find love, it will fit on that board.

Lately I've been doing something similar in iTunes. A music vision board of a sense. I've got six songs that are love to me. So here's a little music for your Monday.

First, a song I've loved for a very long time, "Danny's Song" by Loggins and Messina:

Next came "When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss. This song slays me:

When I decided to create a list on iTunes, those were the first two I immediately pulled in, because they've been with me so long. And then, there's Weezer:

This song from Nickel Creek almost feels like a bookend to the Weezer. One's about coming together, the other about letting go:

It's like a spin out in dancing. Sometimes I think if you can dance, everything you need to know about love is right there.

"A kiss for luck, and we're on our way."

"Eyes wide open. Naked as we came."

Have a beautiful Monday.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi

9/1/11 - A seventh song emerges.

Bliss.

Alright, Greg Behrendt, I Think I Get It Now

Oh. That. Book.

Shorter this post: Sleep with it under your pillow.

As for the longer version...

Since my last breakup, I've been primarily focusing on my health and my friendships. I've had a couple small forays into romance of various types, toes in the water, if you will. But for the most part, I've been turning my love inward towards myself and outward towards my friends. I've been working towards being my one authentic self in every moment and to being more open and loving with my friends. I've been thinking about love in terms of creating a love vision board and thinking about what love really looks and feels like to me.

And for a while, I was back up online dating, but even that was more of an exercise in some final figuring out. Basically, I got my online profile to perfect and then decided it was total BS.

I've been getting enough sleep. If I ever write down how I've been rebuilding my confidence and self-esteem, that will be step one. Sleep heals the body and the mind, I've found.

Step two will be to surround yourself with giving friends who value you, believe in you, and reciprocate your level of friendship, whatever that is. Cultivate the wheat, and let the chaff fall away.

Now that I've spent some serious time like this, it's difficult to imagine letting myself be mistreated in a relationship. It's difficult to imagine expecting less from a partner than I do from my friends.

It's difficult to imagine letting a negative energy into my life now that my life is full of positive energy, coming from me, the people I surround myself with, and the things I do with my time.

So here I am.

I am someone who would love to be in a serious, monogamous relationship. I absolutely believe that a good relationship would enrich and improve my life. I get lonely. I get frustrated. I wish I had someone to share my happiness with.

And none of that means I've got any time or energy for someone who's not really into me - whatever the reason or manesfestation. It doesn't mean I'm unhappy being single. Because I am happy every day these days. I'm glad to be here.

Looking back, so much of my romantic histories and even some of my friendships seem somewhat absurd. But, this is how we learn.

I found myself reaching for The Book: He's Just Not That Into You. I've referred to it various times over the years, but this time I reread chapter 11 - or as I like to call it The Hardest Hurdles chapter. It felt like the first time I'd read the summary from Greg at the end of the chapter. Reading it this time, I felt like, Yes, This is exactly where I am! I get it now!

Thinking about the lessons in the book, I've decided there's two reasons they're so difficult.

1. I think it goes against a lot of the messenging women get growing up. We're often taught to compromise and please in a way that men aren't. So many sentences in our world start with "men like" or "men don't like." Setting aside the absurdity of ignoring the individuality of mankind: What do YOU like? We should be asking women *that* from birth, not telling them how to appeal to men. Be your own best self first. Do what makes you happy, and then have faith that there's someone out there who will love you, and have the respect for yourself to stay single and happy if there's not.

2. I feel like this is limbic brain stuff, and therefore, really difficult to explain in words. I've been thinking a lot about the limbic brain since I read Start with Why by Simon Sinek. Firstly, because I realized that words weren't going to help me work on my self-esteem, that it had to come from somewhere deeper and harder to explain. And then because rereading the end of He's Just Not That Into You it suddenly all made sense - and I got the feeling it made sense because I'd gotten there through experiences and exercises. Although I imagine they planted a seed the first time I read them, this time the words completely worked for me because I was already there.

I don't want to seem like I've got all the answers, though. I've found a place that's working for me, but I've still got plenty of work to do. New legs to test out. In a way, I feel like I'm passing through a sort of pergatory where I can clearly see all the guys I'm not interested in, for various reasons, who maybe I would have mistakenly gone for before, but I've only just stepped into the place where I can look at a guy I feel is totally awesome and believe that that person could actually be interested in me. Because even if they aren't it's still important to believe that they could be. One more leap of faith.

I'm getting there.

And the good news is, I can stay here as long as I like, trying on my new glasses that clearly show me one from the other. Actively loving my work and my friends. Growing ever firmer in the person I want to be.

~

Some great post about loving yourself (if you've got one, please share in the comments!):

Fat Girl Running: I Was Obese!

On Faces And Eyes, Specifically Mine.

Ditching online dating: Cutting the safety wire or shutting a door?

I'm thinking of letting go of Internet dating. This thought makes me so uncomfortable, I'm beginning to think it's what I should do.

I know why I don't want to. I'm a proactive person, and it just seems logical to sit out there on OKCupid and see who happens by. I want to be in a relationship, or at least have some romantic fun going on, and staying in the online space as another avenue to facilitate that is just completely logical to me. So logical, that pulling my profile seems like closing a door and giving up on love entirely.

Tangentially Related Aside: I tried Plenty of Fish on Sunday, but I'm going to have to pull that profile. That site seems to cater more to peeps who want to meet a lot of people and go on a lot of dates. Which I 100% recommend when you're in the place for that, it can be superfun and you can learn a lot, but I have done that and now I'm wanting quality over quantity. I simply don't want to spend a lot of time constantly going on dates with complete shots in the dark.

Cut to my more specific profile on OKCupid and relative crickets in my online romantisphere.

But therein lies the rub. And what I've been thinking about. You know I write things like this: 9 Reasons Dating Civilians is a Bad Idea, and OK, it was an exercise in turning someone else's blog post around, but I'm also just completely full of shit.

And, let's look at my - way too long - answer on OKC to "You should message me if..."

You love life, Los Angeles, and potentially me.

You have creative goals and the self-motivation to work towards them. You're traveling the path well by yourself, you get by with a little help from your friends, but yearn for the power and the passion that comes from partnership and clasped hands.

And you would never willingly go to sleep in a room that wasn't dark and quiet.

Also looking for someone who is frequently sincere (less sarcasm is more), a good communicator, comfortable with a reasonable amount of PDA, feminist, monogamous, outgoing, confident, positive, physically fit or at least trying to be, and a lover of vegetables. I myself am all of these things. :)

Well, that is all completely true. And if I could Weird Science up the love of my life, he would be all those things. But if I've learned nothing in 39 years, I've learned that love - like the honey badger - don't give a shit.

I've been thinking about all this, because twice in two months I have been completely stymied by the question, "So what's your type?" I mean, I just don't know how to answer that question.

I always want to say "It's like porn, I know it when I see it." Well, that's the truth, but it just seems horrible to talk about love that way.

And when I think of the various men I find interesting in this moment, well, they're just totally different from one another. And I haven't kissed a one of them, so I don't even have that to go on. (Because my friends, it is really in his kiss.)

At the end of the day, I am a total romantic. I dated a sarcastic, cheap guy with a bedroom full of computer lights that massively disturbed my sleep because I was crazy in love with him. And at the end of the day, yeah, I can't date a racist or a homophobe or someone who cheats, but beyond that, it's about attraction, it's about love and passion, and the person you want wanting you, too, and maybe it's about being with someone who's as crazy romantic as me.

I don't know. I don't know a damn thing.

But I guess I know that you put all these things, these things you want, out there, and you try. I mean, I would really like to date someone who's all those things I say at the end of my OKCupid profile.

But for love? Man, you see love in the canyon, you cut the safety wire and You Just Fucking Jump.

And there's simply not an online algorithm for that. So I don't know why turning it off so scares the crap out of me. It feels like turning off the bat signal.