Everyday Goddess

Things to do With a Wedding Dress Whether You're Married or Single.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

I have a wedding dress hanging in my closet. It was half paid for when I called off my wedding, the deposit was non-refundable, I loved it... So when the second half was due, I swooped into the bridal shop, paid, muttered something about rescheduling my first fitting, and took it home. And put it in my closet.

The only thing I've ever used it for was a camera test for my thesis film short in film school.

I've tried it on a couple of times. It's really fun to wear with an awesome, swishy, full organza bottom, which is why I love it. It's beautiful.

It fit - meaning it zipped up easily - before I packed all my things to move to L.A. - When I was in the best shape of my life after a semester of post production, screenwriting, and the occasional small job on a 1st year's summer project. These activities plus free access to the college rec center meant I was in great shape, since I love to exercise when I can. Yes, I bought a dress I was going to have to lose a few pounds to fit into. I'm not proud of that choice, but there it is.

It wouldn't fit now. Indeed, ten years since I bought it, I'm not sure *what* to do with it. Would I even wear it now were I to have a wedding? I'm not sure. Certainly that's what I thought when I kept it; that I would wear it someday. Now I probably wouldn't even buy an actual "wedding dress" to get married in, much less a white one.

I also always thought that maybe a perfect opportunity to gift it would come up that would find me parting with it. That hasn't happened either.

So it continues to hang in my closet. Which is exactly what it would be doing if I had gotten married in it, I guess.

Beyond the preserving or the trashing, what else have women done with their wedding dresses?

Sonya Naumann is traveling the world with her Thousand Dollar Dress (h/t Offbeat Bride, who did an interview with Sonya):

It is my goal to photograph 1,000 individuals wearing my $1,000 wedding dress within the context of their own or chosen environment. I plan to travel with the dress, video camera, and camera to build upon this idea while showcasing it at www.thousanddollardress.com. At the project's end, I aspire to have 1,000 portraits and a documentary including interviews from individuals of all ages, backgrounds and diverse marital situations speaking to the concept of marriage and its politic. I seek to create an open dialogue regarding the institution of marriage and explore the diverse views attached to its conception amidst the current culture war regarding its exclusive definition.

Yes, Sonya Naumann is totally cool and the pictures are amazing, although they play without commentary or individual context on the website. You can apply to be photographed wearing the dress via her contact me page.

A bit more on the traditional side, but totally sweet, Rose from Blessing Inspired Creations created an LO (LO = Lay Out - see how I Google for you?) scrapbook page about her wedding dress as a response to a challenge:

This LO was created for Mrs. Wresh's Week 3 Challenge on her blog. She challenges you to scrap an inanimate object that means a lot to you. My Wedding Dress is one of those objects.

The precious page is the second down on the post - Her daughter's baptismal gown was made out of the train, and she has a wonderful picture of the two of them in their "special dresses."

But what about the single girls? I can't be the only never-married with a wedding dress in her closet.

Well, Irina Zoe Zerkin has been wearing a wedding dress for 30 days and blogging about it on Committed! She threw a wedding for herself on April 5th, and she's been wearing the dress ever since! May 5th is the final day:

Committed! is a massive, decadent multimedia spectacle that combines elements of performance art, theatre, costuming, filmmaking, photography, arts & crafts (in the felt and hot glue sense, not the Gustav Stickley sense,) and painting, although not in the traditional sense.

You thought wearing the same brown dress for a year was something! Well, OK, that really was something, too - but considering all that a wedding dress is, 30 days in a wedding dress is really something, too. It's really interesting to read about her project - why she's doing it, her reactions to it, and, of course, the reactions of the people she interacts with:

Today I strolled around the plaza with this guy for an hour and I was shocked by the number of people who wished us congratulations. Yes, I said "us." Now try and picture this - I've got my dress, my veil, my pearls, my lipstick, and this guy walking with me is wearing a gray hoodie and black jeans and really worn out black boots and a black hat, and these big silly aviator-ish shades, and on top of that he has a really young face, so basically he looks like he just skipped out on his high school algebra class or something. What on Earth makes people think that the two of us have just gotten married?! And yet, just the same, people are so blinded by their romanticism that all they notice is a happy bride and the male who surely must be responsible for her happiness. All anyone manages to see is a sweet little woman who has finally found a man to give purpose to her otherwise empty existance.

Ha!

Her project is pretty amazing. I, however, will not be wearing my wedding dress for an art project, for any amount of time.

I did just pull it out and pull it on though - I figured, hey, I just took a shower, what the heck. I managed to get it over my butt, but it indeed doesn't zip up the back. And ten years later I may be too old for the little bows in the front that I loved so dearly.

Oh, who I am kidding? I still love the damn thing, that's why it's hanging in my closet! It really just needs new side panels in the bodice, aka massive alterations.

So it stays in my closet. Hope on a hanger, keeping the faith.

Be the Wheel - The Third Wheel, that is.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Before I moved to Los Angeles, I had been single maybe a grand collective total of two years since I was 14. After arriving in Los Angeles, I did the Big S for about five years, dating on and off. During that time, my favorite thing to do was to hang out in mixed groups - co-ed and single/coupled. Because then it's about having fun, more than it is about dating. And if I'm the one person who causes a group to be so mixed, than mixed it is, even if only by my presence.

Single? Have friends that aren't? Might I suggest you get down with embracing "The Third Wheel"?

Small World Traveler isn't with me:

The "third wheel" refers to the person who is the outsider when there is a group of three. Example: "You two go on ahead without me. I don't want to be the  third wheel." An analogy can be made to a two-wheeled bicycle or cart; adding a third wheel would not be helpful and would limit mobility. To be the "third wheel" is to be the extra, unnecessary person in a group of three people. Example: "Missy and I were going to go to the dance with another couple, but when I got sick she decided to stay home also. She didn't want to be the  third wheel."

Tsk. Tsk.

An attitude like this suggests that coupled is the correct default for humanity. With over half of America women currently single, that's simply not true. And your friends aren't your friends only when they're away from their significant others - Then, you're missing half your friends!

Plus, if I'd only hung out in groups of singles when I was single there would have been a lot more women-only time, and I like a mixed group. Hanging out with couples allows you to experience men and women and our similarities, not sit in groups bemoaning our differences.

While "the third wheel" perhaps originally insinuated an unnecessary function, today you're not a third wheel per se - You're a friend hanging out with friends.

Of course, there is this pitfall, as described by Jen of The Inner Voices of a Spinster in her post Third Wheel Mentality:

Have you ever been in a situation where you've felt like the third wheel? Usually we think of it when we have a good friend who's dating someone. And you hang out with the two of them and there's never been anything so akward and miserable. Especially when they're whispering and kissing...yuck!

Couples! When hanging out with single friends: Yes, You Must Show Some Restraint. I'm not calling for a moratorium on hand holding and the occasional small kiss, because I think that these affections are important within a healthy relationship. But show some respect to the group and everyone's comfort.

It's difficult enough to get a single to come out with a couple; when they do, you want to make sure they're comfortable and having a good time.

But what about when you feel like the third wheel to a couple... of friends? Justice and Truth blogs at Should I Divorce Him? and she had a huge problem with her ex and his best friend:

There’s no feeling quite like being the third wheel in your own marriage. When I was married to the great-and-powerful ex, I was the third wheel when he was with his best friend J, which was virtually 24/7. I used to explain to the ex that his relationship with J wasn’t healthy and was damaging our marriage.

Oh, has she got a story. Thankfully, she's not in that situation anymore. The friend was constantly sleeping over their house and running up mobile bills with her husband. Shudder.

So, yes. There are third wheel situations that can suck.

And, yes. Sometimes, you're just not in the right emotional place to hang out with couples.

But, But, But. Don't regularly close yourself off from hanging out with your coupled friends. Go out and have a good time! With your friends, who love you.

Take it from Joy: Why go solo if you can stick with the other two wheels?

Sex & Relationships Tour 'O Webisodes

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Watched any good webisodes lately? Let's face it, some people are making them, some people are watching them, but as a form and a habit, many of us aren't regularly tuning into web video beyond the links to funny YouTube spots we watch because somebody linked or emailed them. Yet, there is more and more interesting web content every day, and there's solid offerings in the sex & relationships area.

The first video I watched on Tango ("Smart Talk About Love") was from their series "Love U with Tiffany Smith." The video was called, "How to Train Your Man," and let me assure you that I was disgusted and appalled - until I watched it, and it was irreverent and hysterical.

All the Tango videos - and there's a significant library at this point - are well-made and visually appealing. They have a variety of series, including Love Lexicon, That's What He Said (not my fav), and Tango Take. In more than one show they hit the sidewalks to do peeps on the street interviews.

Now, while most of their offerings are what you might expect from a more mainstream venue creating sex & relationships videos, there is quite a variety and some of them are quite fun and/or thoughtful. On this episode of Tango Take they interview a guy and a girl about polyamory. So they are open (ahem) to stepping out of their box.

The next series I'd like to share with you is The 39 Second Single (h/t Contributing Editor Gena Haskett from the vloggy goodness that is Out On The Stoop). The 39 Second Single web series from Pound Productions ran from December 2006 to August 2007 (that's 29 webisodes). I can't find any explanation about why it stopped without any explanation, but what's there is very good. The series is all about the dating escapades of New Yorker Liza, who at 39 is the "39 Second Single." Love the bloggy style!

Samantha Daniels is a matchmaker in NY and LA, and her web series is called, "Relationship Chatter." Now, this is standard heterosexual stuff where women are women and men are men. That said, within that context the advice is thoughtful, Samantha is engaging, and I *love* how she pulls an example from film or television to illustrate her point in each webisode. She's so engaging that I even enjoy watching the "favorite product" plug at the end. The videos automatically run one after another, and I'd watched like ten of them before I knew what hit me. And I was smiling.

Jessica Bern posts her videos on Bern This, "A Neurotic Woman's Journey Through Her Weekly Visits to Her Therapist." Jessica is based in Los Angeles, and I was able to join her one day to see how she shoots her webisodes, which was superfun. She posts a new comedic webisode every month - there's seven up right now. Her videos are about her family, her daughter, dating and more.

Finally, Contributing Editor Laurie White from Laurie Writes pointed me to 90-Second Stories over on Flickr - Love it!

Turn on a video camera and tell a true, personal story in 90 seconds or less. No rehearsing - just tell the story off the top of your head. The more unpolished, the better.

My favorite so far is from Michelle Howley about kissing a boy she liked when she was little: Stories for my Son. Watching these videos makes me want to run around to all my friends and get them to tell me 90 second stories and let me post them. There's only 15 up right now, so maybe power up your video camera and get to it?

Got any web videos (series or one-offs) you've created or enjoyed lately?  Link 'em up in the comments! And let me know what you think of the one's I've listed, too, if you'd like.

Two Country Songs That Make Me Stabby with the Gender Stereotypes.

This post is cross-posted at BlogHer.

I love country music. Shout it from the rooftops!  Yeehaw!

What I don't love about country music, however, is songs that rely on gender stereotypes. That BS makes me stabby.

Right now there's two songs I've been hearing on the local country station that make me want to stick a hot poker into my temple. The first is "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley.

When you see a deer you see Bambi
And I see antlers up on the wall
When you see a lake you think picnic
And I see a large mouth up under that log
You're probably thinking that you're going to change me
In some ways well maybe you might
Scrub me down, dress me up but no matter what
I'm still a guy

When you see a priceless French painting
I see a drunk, naked girl
You think that riding a wild bull sounds crazy
And I'd like to give it a whirl
Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of
And in a weak moment I might walk your sissy dog, hold your purse at the mall
But remember, I'm still a guy

I've actually never left the song on past the first verse, so I was even more annoyed to find that the song goes after metrosexuals in the second half.

And is it me, or do you, too, hear "Remember, I'm still a guy" and think: Or, I could just dump your sorry ass and go date a real man who isn't afraid of enjoying art and using a little moisturizer. Seriously, I don't need to remember anything; I just need to not date you.

Here's the worst part:

But when you say a backrub means only a backrub
Then you swat my hand when I try
Well, what can I say at the end of the day
Honey, I'm still a guy

Blech.

There's another Brad Paisley song I'm not fond of, "Little Moments." It's mostly sweet, I guess. It just creeps me out that the first time I heard it I thought he was singing about his daughter for the first part of the song:

Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now what she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad
Yeah I live for little moments like that

Turns out, he's actually singing about his wife. You know, the little woman. Talk about an example of "cute" used as a diminutive! (BlogHers got into a discussion of the word "cute" in the comments on my post Will My Boyfriend Still Love Me If I Dress Like An "Urbane Tomboy"???)

The second new song that gets me stabby is "Things That Never Cross a Man's Mind" by Kellie Pickler. 'Cause you know how men and women are SO DIFFERENT. And it's JUST SO FUNNY.

Lets turn off the TV
Now can't we just talk
Lets lay here and cuddle
Till we both drift off
If we don't make love
That'll be just fine
Things that never cross a man's mind

That joke is too dirty
This steak is too thick
Ain't no way in the world I'll ever finish it
That car is too fast
This beer is too cold
And watching all this football is sure getting old

Blechity, blech, blech, blech. (*Love* her voice though!) Makes me want to go have a nice big 'ol steak and a Guinness for dinner in front of Hunky Actor Boyfriend's TV. Because, people, it is JUST SO BIG. And we both like to cuddle in front of it.

There's so very many country songs I just love - but when these come on I can't get to that station changer fast enough! Any relationship songs driving you crazy lately?

~

The blogosphere speaks:

I'm a Little Bit Country... - from In Her Shoes, first she loved him, and then she love country music.

I Love... - from Donnabetes, a meme of what you love and it can't include the people in your life (but it can include country music!)

A love/hate relationship - with country music, from Maundering Pondering. Many great music recommendations in the comments.

Wedding Phobia: When Every Little Girl's Dream is your Personal Nightmare.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Father of the Bride came out in 1991, and I have to say that it's probably around that time that my wedding phobia began. Because while it's a movie and it's certainly exaggerated, it did represent a way of life that many of my soon-to-be-married-off, South Florida friends had. And I did not.

When I got engaged, I actually thought to myself, at least I can get this hell over with. I wanted things my friends had, I wanted to fake like my family was like theirs, and if it took tears and groveling, so be it.

In the end, the sheer weight of the dysfunction coming from all sides finally woke me up and sent me on a path that went all the way to Los Angeles. Where I am still someone with no money for a wedding. Only now even more so, because I used the money that the tears got me the first time to help get me this far in life.

So a lot of my wedding phobia has to do with money. I feel embarrassed and stressed out that my boyfriend might someday want a wedding that I can't afford my half of. So deep is my dismay that it almost kept me from dating at all so that I would never have to deal with it. Whenever I'm single, I'm actually relieved of the stress of it, and it was always part of my thought process about whether or not I really wanted to be dating.

"Hey, can we just elope? 'Cause BTW I don't have any money for a wedding," is not really first date conversation.

Ironically, the ceremony is really important to me. I do want to get married with my important people around me to witness. I think public vows, and the support and blessings of a community, are really, really important.

But the wedding price tag is absurd. And you simply can't have what's perceived as a standard wedding for like $5,000 - which is already a lot of money! It doesn't make sense to me - Surely I could throw a party for $5,000, so why not a wedding? Not that I even have $5,000 without the help of Citibank.

Maybe I would feel different if I had money; I don't know. I know the thought of dealing with people being aghast at my inexpensive wedding makes me sick to my stomach.

But it's other stuff, too. I know from the first time that it's like suddenly being dropped in patriarchyland where I'm supposed to have been dreaming since I was five about wedding planning hell like it's snow cones and candy canes. Where women attend wedding fairs and do 95% of the wedding work like I've been just dying for a career in event planning and have nothing else to spend my time on. Where anyone is going to actually think I would change my name or get married in a church.

I think I'm giving myself hives.

Look, I know and I have told myself that you have to cross these bridges when you come to them. I read Offbeat Bride, and I know that there are a million ways to have a fun, alternative wedding without going completely crazy. That you face the inevitable wedding stresses together and do the best you can. When it comes down to it, me and mine will figure it out. I know it's ridiculous to be stressing out about it for years and years when it's not even an issue - And believe me, this is a phobia I carry with me, and have for a very long time.

I truly believe that some (just some) people who say they "don't need/want to get married," are partially saying that because they can't afford a wedding. Heck, I was practically ready to not date because I can't afford a wedding. Which is really sucky.

But I know I have to have faith in love and believe that what a wedding really is about will happen for me. Somehow.

~

The Blogosphere Writes:

Weddings in Kenya - Personal observations on weddings in Kenya from Jamie Ya Kenya.

Why Can't We Dress Like This? - Totally cute post about dressing kids for a wedding from Raising Five.

Here Comes the Bride: Part II - Dude, her blog is called Vodka & Fairybread, which rocks, as does this post about wedding phobia.

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

The Two-Year Rule: How long *is* the road to marriage?

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Lately, it seems like I am surrounded by those who got married on the fast track. One friend moved across the country in less than a year; another started dating a man who she was then married to in a matter of months. These stories make me nervous. They also make me wonder when Liz the romantic became Liz the skeptic.

Now, marriage isn't on everyone's radar. I'm also surrounded by a healthy bunch of friends and acquaintances - both coupled and single - who have no interest in marriage whatsoever. But for the marriage-minded - of all sexualities because certainly one can have a ceremony and make the commitment without government approval (or legal benefits, alas): How long is too long to travel the relationship road and not get to Marriage (or engagement, say)?

A wise friend and sorority sister once told me that if you don't know if you want to get married at the two-year mark, you probably aren't going to get there. I tend to agree, and I'll add that if one or both sides of a couple isn't ready for marriage by the two-year mark, one of two things is probably going on: 1. That person isn't with the right person for them, or 2. That person is having commitment issues.

Personally, as a recovering commitment-phobe myself, I think you're in for a long, painful ride if you decide to wait out someone's commitment issues. Better to decide the writing is on the wall.

I think sometimes about one girl I knew who was the last in her close-knit group of friends to get married. She'd been dating her boyfriend for years, and he just "wasn't ready." Until she gave him an ultimatum - Oh wait, gave him like a third ultimatum and then actually left him - then he was ready. I've no idea if they're still married today, but I do know that there's no way in hell I'd be interested in that proposal. Blech. Hit the road, Jack. And by that, I mean, "Jill, hit the road and find another fish!"

Are your 20s a decade-long exception to the two-year rule? Maybe.

Sometimes I think my years of long-term serial monogamy and the couple guys I lived with where it didn't work out were really worth the lessons learned. The thought of living with someone who's never lived with anyone before is a bit terrifying. Kinda like how you get to the point where you're done having sex with virgins and glad of it.

Then there's college. If you're in school, maybe it is better to give a relationship another couple years while you get through all that. College or no, I suppose all that finding yourself - which took me just about *all* of my 20s - is a good reason to let a relationship breathe a little longer.

But I do believe you reach a point in your life where you know who you are and you're done with the massive multi-year dating that doesn't lead to marriage. I'm done with that. For me, a general two-year rule, give or take a couple months, makes sense. I believe in it. If you're both hoping to marry, it shouldn't take longer than that to know if you want to commit to the person you're with, and after that you've to consider if you're kidding yourself and/or wasting time.

~

The Blogosphere Writes:

How long before engagement - Totally Female offers in-depth analysis.

Dating at Midlife - Great post from Dating 2.0 about defining for yourself why you're dating.

How to Not Be Endearing; How to Choose a Mate - From Do Life Right, a smart list of things to consider when you choose a life-partner.
 

RH Reality Check Blogs Crisis Pregnancy Centers Are No April Fools.

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

There are few things that make me madder than thinking about my tax dollars funding so-called "crisis pregnancy centers" (CPCs). CPCs also known as pregnancy resource centers, are non-profit organizations established by pro-life supporters that work to persuade pregnant women to give birth rather than have an abortion (citation). They are frequently located right next to actual clinics and have misleading business names.

While a real clinic provides comprehensive medical services, and information on *all* of the various options available to pregnant women, CPCs do not provide information on abortion and often engage in deceptive practices. Vicki Saporta says in her post Targeting the Vulnerable:

Crisis Pregnancy Centers Deceive: Many CPCs use deceptive advertising practices to fool women into thinking that they are legitimate medical clinics that provide a variety of reproductive health care services, including family planning and abortion care. In reality, most CPCs do not provide full options counseling and generally will not refer for abortion care or birth control.

These fake clinics use deceptive advertising practices such as intentionally placing advertisements under the "abortion services" heading of phone and Internet directories and choosing names that are similar to abortion clinics to confuse women about what types of services they provide. Many CPCs are connected with religious organizations, but few disclose that fact in their advertising. Additionally, CPCs often locate themselves in close proximity to legitimate reproductive health care facilities. We have heard from many patients who mistakenly visited a CPC because it was on the same street-or even next door-to the actual abortion provider where they had an appointment.

Vicki's post is part of a series of posts that appeared on RH Reality Check yesterday for April Fool's Day: Don't Be Fooled: Spreading the Truth about CPCs. All of the posts are must-reads (and there's a podcast from Amanda Marcotte), but my two favorite posts have to do with the personal experiences of college women:

Speaking Out: Manipulated By a CPC by Allyson Kirk

Georgetown's Guerilla Bathroom Campaign by Sam Demetriou

Of course, what really gets me angry is that these centers - these religion-based centers - often receive government funding. How this happens in the United States of America - a country founded on the separation of church and state, I have no comprehension. It is truly shameful and infuriating to this American.

Further, the newest trend is for these CPCs to offer ultrasound services to increase the perception, no matter how tenuous, that the CPC is a clinic, as opposed to a propaganda-pushing counseling center. I'll pull from Allyson Kirk's post linked above to give you a taste of what makes me so angry:

When I walked in the front door of the clinic, an older man sitting behind the counter welcomed me. I quickly gave my name and said that I had a two o'clock appointment. He acted like they were expecting me and asked me to have a seat in the empty waiting room while they prepared for my appointment...

She brought me into a different room and gave me a form to fill out. The form asked for basic contact information, but also asked for the personal information of my partner or spouse. The form asked about my medical history, including how many times I had been pregnant, obtained an abortion, and if I had children. As I was filling out the form, the woman began asking me questions, too. She asked why I was seeking an abortion, if I was sure that I was pregnant, and how many weeks I was into the pregnancy. She then began asking questions about my partner, such as did he know I was pregnant, did he want me to terminate the pregnancy, and why he wasn't there with me. I answered her questions, but began to feel guarded.

...I decided that this was not the kind of place I felt comfortable seeking medical care so I asked her to complete the free pregnancy test and then I would be on my way. I gave her a urine sample and she agreed to run the test, but only if I watched an educational video while the results were processing.

She goes on to describe the video.

Allyson thought she was in a medical facility, which by its nature provides protections in regards to the personal information you give. A CPC is not a medical facility and is not staffed by medical professionals, therefore, your information is not protected - and you're sitting there giving your name, address, medical information! Horrible.

And legal???

And government funded???

Thankfully, as Ms. Magazine reports:

Senator Robert Menendez introduced a bill in the Senate yesterday that would regulate the misleading advertising practices of Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPCs). Stop Deceptive Advertising for Women’s Services Act would require the Federal Trade Commission to create and enforce rules to prohibit CPCs' deceptive advertising practices, such as advertising under the term "abortion services." The act expressly defines abortion services to mean "providing surgical and non-surgical procedures to terminate a pregnancy, or providing referrals for such procedures."

House Representative Carolyn Maloney introduced the Stop Deceptive Advertising for Women's Services Act in the House last summer.

There is a link to a PDF of the act in that article.

Want to get involved?  Choice USA blog post Don't Be Fooled: Action Against CPC's outlines how to contact your senator.

Today there are as many as 4,000 CPCs in the United States, compared to the less than 2,000 facilities that actually provide abortion care for women (citation). The people at those CPCs have the right their religion. They have the right to believe whatever they choose to about abortion. But they should not have the right to engage in unethical, immoral, deceptive practices.

I also don't think they should receive a dime of government money for what they do; but here's hoping that we can at least stop the lying and the deception.

~

Additional Resources:

The Truth About Crisis Pregnancy Centers - PDF from NARAL

Crisis Pregnancy Centers: An Affront to Choice - PDF from the National Abortion Federation

Campaign to Expose Fake Clinics - from FeministCampus.org

Are you dating him or his bookshelf? (DVDs, iTunes, Tivo)

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

Do you remember your first online profile? Not necessarily a dating site. For me, it was Friendster. Then later, MySpace. I remember carefully listing my favorite books, movies, television shows, and music right next to my hometown, height, and relationship status. And sure, when online dating, I looked over the lists of potential dates to suss out compatibility. Let's face it, someone lists Star Trek, Buffy, or The 4400, you're feeling their geek.

And while I've never actually seen anyone list Star Wars episode 1, 2, or 3... sure, that would be telling me something, too.

But how much did all this listing of favorites *really* tell us? It's 2008, and while I've logged in and thrown a few more titles into my profiles, what my lists mostly say now is: Listing My Favs... I'm Just Not That Into You. Seriously, I'm just kinda over it.

It's one of the reasons I went with eHarmony when I was last Internet dating. No stupid listing of favorites. There is one question on the bio that asks about what book you last read and enjoyed and why. This is a great, targeted and specific question, and I got lots of great recommendations, sometimes adding a book to my Amazon wish list right before I closed someone for other, more legitimate reasons.

Hunky Actor Boyfriend listed "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. A solid choice. A little "it-book," intelligent, readable. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I listed the Master and Commander series by Patrick O'Brian. An honest fav that certainly says something about me.

His answers made me curious about him and eager to meet him, without any neurotic comparing of copious favorites.

There was a fun essay by Rachel Donadio in the New York Times on Sunday about this topic, books-wise anyway:  It's Not You, It's Your Books. Should you really be judging potential loves based on the paperback they happen to currently be reading or what they list in an online profile? She's got pros and cons, but this was my favorite bit (emphasis mine):

Marco Roth, an editor at the magazine n+1, said: “I think sometimes it’s better if books are just books. It’s part of the romantic tragedy of our age that our partners must be seen as compatible on every level.” Besides, he added, “sometimes people can end up liking the same things for vastly different reasons, and they build up these whole private fantasy lives around the meaning of these supposedly shared books, only to discover, too late, that the other person had a different fantasy completely.” After all, a couple may love “The Portrait of a Lady,” but if one half identifies with Gilbert Osmond and the other with Isabel Archer, they may have radically different ideas about the relationship.

That's the thing. Someone lists something as a "favorite," but who knows why? I enjoy action hour television (eg. Xena, Warrior Princess and many, many things starring Bruce Campbell.) and cheesy movies - But I don't have any illusions about what I'm enjoying. I've forgiven Hunky Actor Boyfriend for his insane refusal to watch "Down Periscope" with me, and he's often settled for a wince of pain when yet another film classic is revealed as unseen-by-me.

Mind you, *I've* been much more receptive to viewing said film loves. Ahem.

My advice, take those lists as a conversation starter - That's their best use. "So, um... Just what is it that you love about Jar Jar Binks?"

~

Related reading:

The Pushkin Problem - Jill from Feministe asks readers about books and relationship dealbreakers.

Musings Of A Single Mom - Part II - Dating - Long post from Freda M on Alpha Women. Very honest and leaves you wanting more.

When Book Lovers Date - Cat from the Daily Dish Blog on the HonoluluAdvertiser is a reader, but her man isn't.

Why buy the bull, when there's just so many other bulls to play with?

This post is cross-posted on BlogHer.

There are millions of people living in the big cities, and many, many, many of them are single. In this age of Internet dating, if you want to date and meet new people, you absolutely can.

I was talking to a friend recently about how after you've been single for a while in a major metropolitan area you start to feel like you've forgotten how one gets into a long-term relationship. It's so not like riding a bicycle. Conflicts arise and the first thing you think is, "Oh well, this obviously isn't going to work out. Next!"

And then maybe a few minutes later you realize that you could perhaps just possibly try talking to your new partner about whatever's bothering you. Oh yeah... communication. Compromise. How do I ride this thing again?

OK, well, *that* part one usually remembers.

I was struck recently by something in contributing editor Liz Henry's post on Badgermama,  Coffee with badass mamas:

I got into a great conversation with jennyalice about relationships. In a conversation with her partner she ended up saying to him, "Hey, you know why we feel uncomfortable and out of control? It's because we're actually sharing power and no one's in charge." This is a great thought to chew on.

Man, it really is. I can't stop thinking about it. This equality in relationships, it's like crazy time! It's like striking out to plant one's stake in a new America. It can be scary and feels like having a relationship in a bounce house. It's fun and exhilarating, but still with the unsure footing.

No wonder you get two steps in and think, "Oh dear, His apartment is really a lot neater than mine. You know, I could just go find someone who's a better match."

Or, "Oh, his dysfunction! Oh, my dysfunction! Next!" You have one argument, and you're running for the hills. 'Cause that's where all the cute guys hike.

Another post that's got my brain gerbils going is More on Dating from C-Belle on Insomnia:

On one hand, I think the vast majority of "single" people out there, should they be asked the abstract question of whether they want to be in a satisfying romantic relationship, would answer: "of course."

But the next question is:  what are they willing to do to achieve that?

...

I just had a conversation with a friend of mine that was striking in its similarity to conversations I've had with numerous others, including myself: that the thought of dating, and the usual "meet someone, go out on 3 to 5 dates, have sex with them, suddenly find yourself in a relationship or in the turmoil/annoyance of unaligned levels of interest" is REPELLENT.

You know, I really get that. When last faced with single, after my initial bravado, I was beginning to consider whether I cared all that much to jump back in the dating pool only to find myself alone again. Is the process of finding a life partner the best use of my time and energy? After all, I have other passions and goals a plenty. What do I really want?

So, we've forgotten how to be in a relationship, and we're not even sure if it's worth what it takes.

Not everyone struggles with this by any means. I see them around me, those who slip in easily. Living together, married, in mere months. They are made from different stock than I.

But. I am 36 years old, and I do believe in marriage. Relationships are challenging, but the price to be paid is worth every penny. It is what I want.

Not only that, but I believe that when I do get married, having waited this long and grown into who I am, it will be till death do us part. I look around and I read and I see, I fear that perhaps I am too optimistic or naive. Still, it is what I want. It is what I believe in.

You know, I always say that the number one single most important thing to make it in the entertainment industry in L.A. is simply to not leave. I expect that's one philosophy that will serve a marriage as well. If you know you're not going to leave, well then, you'd better find some other solution to whatever's going on.

I read contributing editor Susan Mernit's post, bliss in bickering, or why arguments have value, and I accept that an argument doesn't mean the end of the relationship. That to move forward, we must be brave like that.

I think again (and again and again) about what Liz Henry's friend said:  "Hey, you know why we feel uncomfortable and out of control? It's because we're actually sharing power and no one's in charge." Modern marriage; I believe it can work. I think that many of us *are* up to the challenge - In fact, must take it up, if we believe in marriage.

The film "Definitely, Maybe" presented quite the realistic look at modern, serial monogamy. It was compelling. But I can't shake my belief in forever. It's just who I am.

Even if I can't quite remember how the hell anyone ever gets there.

So I'll leave you with a link to a great blog, Offbeat Bride (Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides). I don't care who you are or where you are relationshipwise: Addictive! With pictures! Somehow, reading about couples doing what they want, with their weddings and their relationships, just helps me breathe.

Will My Boyfriend Still Love Me If I Dress Like An "Urbane Tomboy"???

This post is cross-posted at BlogHer.

Via Jezebel, today I read with great interest: The Urbane Tomboys in The New York Observer. Damned if some New York women aren't going without makeup! Author Meredith Bryan calls it "the New York woman’s answer to the metrosexual," and I think to myself, "That's amazing," and, "Can I? Can I really?"

See, my secret - even as I grow out my gray hair - is that I worry, and I wonder, and I fear. There's been a couple days in the past month where I thought I would put on my makeup when I got to work and then realized at the end of the day - even after looking at myself in the mirror at work multiple times - that I'd completely forgotten. And then I worried that I'd been completely unprofessional, or that I looked like tired crap all day, even as I'm sure all that's remotely noticeable is the eye shadow. Still, those little smears say, "I put makeup on." And maybe, "Hey, OK, I'm growing out my gray hair, but see! I still care!" Oh, and hopefully, "I'm somewhat attractive."

A perfect example of my neurosis is my work shoes. They are Vancouver by Intaglia, they are loafer-y, square sock-takers, and even I think of them as my "man shoes." I love them; they are perfectly work me. And I worry about how they, and therefore I, am judged for the wearing of them in a Hollywood office of pretty, strappy open-toes.

Work, however, is a passing worry. I dress how I please, and to be comfortable, and then I let me be me. With eyeshadow.

But I read this article in The New York Observer, and I try to imagine regularly going on dates with my boyfriend in a T-shirt and sneakers - on top of it all, sneakers??? And then looking around at all the other women who are mastering the cute top and stylin' shoes, knowing I would feel like a total schlub. I can't even imagine going out on a date without makeup. It's maybe ridiculous, but somewhere deep down, I truly believe I would be unattractive if I didn't put on some powder and some blush and some eye shadow.

Back to T-shirts, I wore a T-shirt everyday at BlogHer '07. It's what I wanted to wear, and I certainly thought going in that it was perfect attire for a web conference - Cut to next to no one in T-shirts. Lots of "cute tops." (I was working the cute shoes, at least.) Sigh. Programming against Gen Con has got to be killing some geek factor. But like work, I dressed how I pleased, and to be comfortable, and then I let me be me. I think I did eshew makeup, if I remember correctly.

But on dates??? Look, in all honesty, how could I possible be attractive to him if all I ever wore was T-shirts and sneakers? No cute tops? No cute skirts? And no makeup???

OK, I'm having a difficult time writing about this because it seems so wrong. I know, he should love me for me, not my clothes and makeup. But I read this, and I can't even believe it's true:

One unapologetic fashion enthusiast, a handbag designer who asked not to be named, recalled seeing a young UT recently at the Belmont Lounge in Union Square: “She had on sweatpants, what looked like a vintagey-type T-shirt, a men’s American Apparel-type hoodie, which was huge on her model body, and then one of those big floppy painterly homeless-person hats. And Josh Hartnett was hitting on her. And incidentally, he was dressed the exact same way.”

This 80s girl does not believe you for one second, unnamed handbag designer. Men require some do. I'm not sporting the coin slot, but damn, at least a little (breast) cleavage, yes? A little blush and shadow?

Could I really go out on a date, like to the movies maybe (certainly not out for drinks!), with no makeup, a T-shirt, and sneakers? Seriously, how could he love me? I mean, sure, he would never say he fell out of love with me because of my clothes and lack of makeup, but you can bet the next girl would be gorgeous and done up.

Window Into My Neurosis. 

All this said, my fav part of the article was this:

In between glamorous appearances at awards shows, Ms. Silverman and Ms. Page—as well as more mainstream examples like Jessica Biel, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz—seem to revel in sneakered, hoodied androgyny, thereby recasting femininity as something you can take off and put on again: an optional, mildly silly act that certainly seems to excite everyone but that one needn’t always make time for...

...they’ll wear a dress when absolutely necessary. “I will wear a dress to a black-tie event. I won’t wear, like, a man’s tuxedo,” said Ms. Tenenbaum.

That sounds exhilaratingly right to me - Like when you hear or read a truth you live that no one's really said before. Certainly I've lived that - I've had L.A. days with three outfits, all packed in the morning when I left the house, and I've been amused at my transformations from worker to glam or whatever. I do like that I can throw on a different me in a matter of moments.

And please don't get me wrong. I have seen plenty of women who do not wear makeup and they look fine to me, beautiful even - I have never once thought to myself that another woman needs to put on makeup. And I definitely hang out with my boyfriend with a simple clean face, and in T-shirts, and even in sneakers. I don't wear makeup to bed, and I don't wear it hiking.

But when we go out on a date, then I want to feel, and I hope look, pretty and attractive. For me, that means a little makeup and a cute top and at least mildly attractive shoes. I do what I can. You know, I want him to want to tear my clothes off at some point, and I have to think that T-shirts are harder to get off, impossible to simply pull down, and therefore, less sexy.

Still, somehow, eye shadow is starting to just feel stupid. I don't really know what that's about. Maybe I'll switch to a more natural shade. But go out on a date with no makeup at all? I shudder at the thought, even as I wonder... Could I really?

~

Related reading:

prom night dumpster baby - Awesome post from Fashion Robot about working the vintage prom wear.

First Date Nerves - 'Cause dating at 32 is just like dating at 15. Amen. (from Doing the Compossible)

What to wear on a date - Gini from Anatomy of Style offers good advice and a personal anecdote. Nice and bloggy.